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Later this week Briana and I will be hosting the Illuminator Training – part of Dragontree Life Coaching Program – and we’ll spend four days in a very special space. It’s going to be at our house, and while I think our house is a special physical space, the space I’m talking about here is something different. I really mean that we’ll be in a special state of consciousness – one in which people feel safe to really see themselves and others, to be in loving community, to learn and heal.
I am both proud and humbled to co-create such a space. When I write or talk about it, it’s hard not to feel I’m exaggerating; so much positive change occurs in such a short time. For me, it reinforces the value of what we teach in the course – primarily the value of holding space.
The first handful of times I heard the term “hold space” I regarded it as New Age jargon and didn’t give it serious consideration. Once I was 20-something at a big dance event and the movie Baraka was being projected onto the walls. Amidst beautiful, sometimes haunting imagery, we were taken to an egg factory. There were conveyor belts and metal chutes along which were tumbling thousands and thousands of fuzzy yellow chicks. Attendants casually pulled them out by a wing and then tossed half of them (the males) down a giant funnel (into a grinder). The remainder were de-beaked, and in the next scene they were sickly and missing feathers, crammed into stacks upon stacks of wire cages.
There was a sudden collective moan of sorrow through the crowd. Someone shouted, “Breathe! Hold space for them!” And I thought, “What does that even mean?”
Well, now I know what it means and I think it was good advice – not just to hold space for the chicks, but to hold space for everyone involved. I also think that the term “hold space” is perfect for describing this practice. It’s an art, really. It comes naturally to some people but not most, and many gifted healers, teachers, and guides are skilled at it even if they’ve never heard the term.
Holding space has a few meanings for me. First, it means to become a neutral, benevolent container for what’s happening. That is, hold this moment in your awareness – ideally until some resolution or balance has developed. This entails giving your attention to what’s happening right here, right now and supporting its natural unfoldment.
When we’re holding space, we’re not trying to diagnose, fix anything, or come up with the answer. We’re not trying to be impressive or spiritual, and we’re not hoping to get approval. And we’re not departing from the task at hand to meander into the forest of our own thoughts.
Second, holding space means focusing on and protecting the space itself – maintaining an opening. By space here, I mean the formless consciousness that is the Universe – the matrix from which all objects (things, feelings, ideas) arise. You could also call it God or Undifferentiated Awareness or Spirit. It’s the bulk of the iceberg of reality, while the stuff that tends to get 99.9% of our attention is the very tip. Because space is more ethereal than form, it not only surrounds everything, but also exists within everything.
When we happen upon a moment when our consciousness is on the space (rather than engrossed in its contents), it usually feels good – our stories fall away and we expand into that space (because we are the space!). But the ego doesn’t like it. “Hey! Don’t forget about me!” it yells. “Come back! I’ve got some juicy gossip and some intense fears and a long list of grievances with the world!”
It seems crazy to go back to that – a reality marked largely by conflict and resistance – but we all do it. The ego is hooked up our survival mechanisms and it’s able to produce some compelling thoughts and feelings which shrink our consciousness like a turtle pulling into its shell. “It’s smelly and dark and crowded in here,” some part of us registers, “but it’s familiar.”
So, holding space in the second sense means maintaining the space – staying expanded, bringing in and honoring Spirit. We prevent encroachment upon or eclipsing of that space mainly by abstaining from the compulsion to fill it up with our stuff.
In the case of the chicken scene, it would have been a difficult setting in which to hold space for all the layers needing illumination (from the suffering of innocent creatures, to the knowing that we are complicit in this if we buy chicken, eggs, or pet food, and so on). But there are opportunities for space-holding all the time, and I see the magic of it so clearly at these Illuminator trainings – the magic of a whole room of coaches holding space for one individual to see themselves, heal, and blossom.
Holding space isn’t just for a formal coach-client or healer-patient setting, it’s a practice by which the mundane becomes holy, and we can do it all the time. At first (and sometimes later) it can feel like hard work. It takes discipline to stop thinking and to instead hold your attention on the Now. It takes trust to not intervene or analyze. But it’s deeply rewarding.
When you hold space for someone, even if they don’t know what you’re doing, they tend to experience that spaciousness. There’s more space between their thoughts. There’s a broadening of perspective and they access their resources. They begin to open and heal. Your space-holding is like a bridge that helps them connect with their Higher Self.
You can hold space for anything, for any and every moment. Things that are naturally riveting – like a baby being born – can be easier to hold space for because they’re so uncommon and so obviously miraculous. However, there’s much to be learned and experienced through holding space for the “everyday” – for the blowing of a tree in the breeze, for the dripping of a water faucet, for the barking of a dog. One of the most fundamental yet profound meditative practices is to simply hold space for your own breath. Let’s both hold space for whatever is happening right now for the next thirty seconds.
Mmmm. That was good. It reminded me of something I wanted to tell you: thinking is optional. I know we all have times when we can’t seem to turn off our mind, but just as you can stop talking aloud, you can stop talking inside. It’s an expression of reverence for the space to take a break from talking once in a while.
Be well,
Peter
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It’s not hard to get into the routine of buying lots of stuff for your loved ones during the holidays. We want them to be happy, they seem to want stuff, and stuff is on sale. But when we’re breaking the bank to do it, when we feel compelled to go over the top or to outdo ourselves, and especially when the result is likely to be something big in the landfill in a year or two, maybe it’s worth reassessing our motives and options.
One of my favorite days as a kid – and my model for healthy gift-giving – was St. Nicholas Day. Each region celebrates this holiday in their own way. In several European countries, kids leave their shoes outside or in front of the chimney and receive small gifts in them from St. Nicholas. Sometimes they use a boot to collect the presents, or St. Nicholas sticks a treat under their pillow. In other parts, people dress as St. Nicholas and leave a bag of goodies outside neighbors’ doors. Dutch children will put out a clog with hay and a carrot for St. Nicholas’s horse.
As you can tell, elements of several of these traditions – the chimney, the shoe (which became a stocking), the gift giving, and even the name Saint Nicholas (Sinterklaas in Dutch, which became Santa Claus) – all got rolled together with Jesus’s birthday, Winter Solstice, and many aspects of the Pagan festival of Yule to form Christmas. But in our family, we keep St. Nicholas Day separate – it occurs on December 6th – and this makes it easier to preserve its specialness.
In all cases, St. Nick leaves something modest – it needs to fit in a bag, in a shoe, in a boot, or under a pillow. Because of this limitation, there’s a lot more room for magic and sweetness. When I was young, the bag of goodies typically consisted of some oranges, nuts, a pineapple, a little candy, and perhaps some tree ornaments. This is what we put into the bags we make for our friends today.
We put these bags together as a family, and even though nuts and fruit are a regular part of our diets, the kids handle it as if it’s something really special because they know it’s going to be a gift. The best part is walking or driving to recipients’ houses, putting the bag on their porch, knocking on the door and running away (so it’s a mystery!). Our kids get absolutely giddy with the excitement of it (to be honest - so do we!!) When we return home, St. Nick has visited our house too (wink, wink)!
Because the emphasis isn’t on size or monetary value, the essence of what we’re doing is a lot easier to see. There’s a surprise element – an unexpected and anonymous gift – which is fun. There’s an unspoken communication – we love you and you matter to us. You add sweetness to our lives, and here’s a little sweetness back. And even if they don’t figure out it was from us, we know it was given in the most unconditional way.
What’s your gift-giving tradition like? How do you keep the emphasis on the non-material aspects of the holidays? Share your ideas with us in the comments section below.
Love,
Briana
[post_title] => Making Room for Magic in our Giving
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The holiday season is hard on our beloved planet. We throw away 25% more trash between Thanksgiving and New Year’s than at any other time of year.1 And about a quarter of the gifts we return can’t be resold, resulting in five billion pounds of merchandise in landfills.2 There’s a lot you can do to reduce waste – while simultaneously giving people more meaningful gifts.
We’re big fans of consumable gifts. There’s minimal waste involved (ideally the packaging is recyclable or compostable) and recipient gets to enjoy eating it, drinking it, putting it on their body, etc. The gift may prompt the recipient to do more cooking; to eat or drink something outside their usual box; to relish goods of higher quality than they’d typically buy for themselves; or to give themselves some loving self-care.
Since we started making our own Dragontree lotions, shower gel, massage oil, and other body care products, we’ve gifted a lot of it to our friends and family. (Check it out!) We also love making homemade goodies as gifts and putting our own labels on them. It’s a fun project, a unique gift, and people will love getting to see your label or a cool bottle in their cupboard. It doesn’t have to be your own secret recipe – even if you just find one you like online, people will appreciate that you made it.
Here’s a list of some of our favorite consumable gifts:
Bath Bombs – Help making bathing more fun and better smelling; great for those friends who need a little reminder to bathe. A real win/win gift.
Body Scrubs – These are a fun home project. You can make the scrubby part from all sorts of things, such as salt, sugar, coffee, cranberry seeds, or ground shells.
Lotion – Many people put it on their skin day in and day out or keep a bottle next to the sink to use after hand washing during these dry winter months. If you give them something new and lovely to try, you know it will get used.
Tinctures – We make some Dragontree tinctures that are very popular, or you can try making your own by soaking dried herbs in 80 to 100 proof alcohol for a week or two (shaking frequently) and straining and bottling. A few years ago we made our own blend of bitters (for use in cocktails and for upset tummies) and bottled it as gifts in old style apothecary bottles.
Spice Blends – I love getting exotic spice blends to add to my cooking. I have many different curry powders, several garam masalas, Moroccan ras el hanout, za’atar, harissas, and more. You can blend your own and create a cute label, or find some at a gourmet ingredient store.
Sauces – I also love trying new sauces. So often the sauce makes the dish. If you have a recipe you enjoy, consider making a big batch and canning it. Or send a favorite local sauce to friends across the country. Some friends gave us a jar made from their tomatoes and it was better than anything we’ve ever bought in a store.
Salsa – One of the best gifts we receive each year is the salsa Briana’s father makes from his own garden vegetables. One opened, the jar usually lasts no longer than an hour.
Desserts – Several years we’ve made salted caramels, which is a fun project. Briana’s family has a longstanding tradition of baking pfeffernusse cookies and peanut brittle. There are all sorts of lovely chocolates available these days. I prefer contributing to a less sugary end of the year, but I know everyone appreciates these goodies.
Natural Cleaners and Fragrances – Help your loved ones have a less toxic home by giving them room and clothes spritzes, soaps, and cleaners that are free of synthetic fragrances and harmful preservatives. Many of these are easy to make yourself.
Various Gourmet Groceries – There are all sorts of interesting salts, artisan honeys, dried mushrooms, vinegars, aged cheeses, nuts, smoked fish, jams and chutneys, and so much other delectable fare that’s fun to give as a gift.
Whether or not you have the time and creativity to make your own, you can know you’ll be helping to reduce holiday waste by giving consumables. Another option we urge you to consider is to fill a bag with various foodstuffs the next time you’re at the market and give it to your local food share or a family that needs it. I like to share some organic foods because I feel everyone deserves to have high quality food and one of the main ways people cut costs when they’re poor is by purchasing lower quality goods.
Wishing you true connection this season (and always),
Peter
1 https://lbre.stanford.edu/pssistanford-recycling/frequently-asked-questions/frequently-asked-questions-holiday-waste-prevention
2 https://money.cnn.com/2017/12/26/news/retail-returns-landfill/index.html
[post_title] => DIY: A Sustainable Holiday Season
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Later this week Briana and I will be hosting the Illuminator Training – part of Dragontree Life Coaching Program – and we’ll spend four days in a very special space. It’s going to be at our house, and while I think our house is a special physical space, the space I’m talking about here is something different. I really mean that we’ll be in a special state of consciousness – one in which people feel safe to really see themselves and others, to be in loving community, to learn and heal.
I am both proud and humbled to co-create such a space. When I write or talk about it, it’s hard not to feel I’m exaggerating; so much positive change occurs in such a short time. For me, it reinforces the value of what we teach in the course – primarily the value of holding space.
The first handful of times I heard the term “hold space” I regarded it as New Age jargon and didn’t give it serious consideration. Once I was 20-something at a big dance event and the movie Baraka was being projected onto the walls. Amidst beautiful, sometimes haunting imagery, we were taken to an egg factory. There were conveyor belts and metal chutes along which were tumbling thousands and thousands of fuzzy yellow chicks. Attendants casually pulled them out by a wing and then tossed half of them (the males) down a giant funnel (into a grinder). The remainder were de-beaked, and in the next scene they were sickly and missing feathers, crammed into stacks upon stacks of wire cages.
There was a sudden collective moan of sorrow through the crowd. Someone shouted, “Breathe! Hold space for them!” And I thought, “What does that even mean?”
Well, now I know what it means and I think it was good advice – not just to hold space for the chicks, but to hold space for everyone involved. I also think that the term “hold space” is perfect for describing this practice. It’s an art, really. It comes naturally to some people but not most, and many gifted healers, teachers, and guides are skilled at it even if they’ve never heard the term.
Holding space has a few meanings for me. First, it means to become a neutral, benevolent container for what’s happening. That is, hold this moment in your awareness – ideally until some resolution or balance has developed. This entails giving your attention to what’s happening right here, right now and supporting its natural unfoldment.
When we’re holding space, we’re not trying to diagnose, fix anything, or come up with the answer. We’re not trying to be impressive or spiritual, and we’re not hoping to get approval. And we’re not departing from the task at hand to meander into the forest of our own thoughts.
Second, holding space means focusing on and protecting the space itself – maintaining an opening. By space here, I mean the formless consciousness that is the Universe – the matrix from which all objects (things, feelings, ideas) arise. You could also call it God or Undifferentiated Awareness or Spirit. It’s the bulk of the iceberg of reality, while the stuff that tends to get 99.9% of our attention is the very tip. Because space is more ethereal than form, it not only surrounds everything, but also exists within everything.
When we happen upon a moment when our consciousness is on the space (rather than engrossed in its contents), it usually feels good – our stories fall away and we expand into that space (because we are the space!). But the ego doesn’t like it. “Hey! Don’t forget about me!” it yells. “Come back! I’ve got some juicy gossip and some intense fears and a long list of grievances with the world!”
It seems crazy to go back to that – a reality marked largely by conflict and resistance – but we all do it. The ego is hooked up our survival mechanisms and it’s able to produce some compelling thoughts and feelings which shrink our consciousness like a turtle pulling into its shell. “It’s smelly and dark and crowded in here,” some part of us registers, “but it’s familiar.”
So, holding space in the second sense means maintaining the space – staying expanded, bringing in and honoring Spirit. We prevent encroachment upon or eclipsing of that space mainly by abstaining from the compulsion to fill it up with our stuff.
In the case of the chicken scene, it would have been a difficult setting in which to hold space for all the layers needing illumination (from the suffering of innocent creatures, to the knowing that we are complicit in this if we buy chicken, eggs, or pet food, and so on). But there are opportunities for space-holding all the time, and I see the magic of it so clearly at these Illuminator trainings – the magic of a whole room of coaches holding space for one individual to see themselves, heal, and blossom.
Holding space isn’t just for a formal coach-client or healer-patient setting, it’s a practice by which the mundane becomes holy, and we can do it all the time. At first (and sometimes later) it can feel like hard work. It takes discipline to stop thinking and to instead hold your attention on the Now. It takes trust to not intervene or analyze. But it’s deeply rewarding.
When you hold space for someone, even if they don’t know what you’re doing, they tend to experience that spaciousness. There’s more space between their thoughts. There’s a broadening of perspective and they access their resources. They begin to open and heal. Your space-holding is like a bridge that helps them connect with their Higher Self.
You can hold space for anything, for any and every moment. Things that are naturally riveting – like a baby being born – can be easier to hold space for because they’re so uncommon and so obviously miraculous. However, there’s much to be learned and experienced through holding space for the “everyday” – for the blowing of a tree in the breeze, for the dripping of a water faucet, for the barking of a dog. One of the most fundamental yet profound meditative practices is to simply hold space for your own breath. Let’s both hold space for whatever is happening right now for the next thirty seconds.
Mmmm. That was good. It reminded me of something I wanted to tell you: thinking is optional. I know we all have times when we can’t seem to turn off our mind, but just as you can stop talking aloud, you can stop talking inside. It’s an expression of reverence for the space to take a break from talking once in a while.
Be well,
Peter
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