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[post_content] => Previously I wrote about the many layers of the Self as explained in nondual Tantrik philosophy. Each of these layers – your body, your mind and feelings, your energy, your awareness, etc. – is considered an expression of the oneness that is the real You. When we find ourselves wrapped up in just one layer – struggling with a body issue, for instance, or carried away by obsessive thinking – we forget that we’re all of this, more than the mind is capable of grasping. When we lose sight of our vastness, we experience a loss of freedom. Instead, we’re at the mercy of a body which will inevitably age, or at the mercy of a mind which will inevitably fail to see the big picture.
As I explained in that article, the mind/feelings layer is the most common for people to get stuck in. It’s hard not to have your attention monopolized by a machine that generates so much drama, such strong sensations, that has so many facts and answers, that helps you navigate life as a human, and that keeps score on how you’re doing. But your mind is just a tiny fraction of all that you are. This is why mental discipline is important not just for things like martial arts and meditation, but also for reaching your potential in any arena – from sports to finance to scientific research – and for being as happy, peaceful, and free as possible. The scientist Michael Faraday said in an 1854 lecture, “That point of self-education which consists in teaching the mind to resist its desires and inclinations until they are proved to be right, is the most important of all.”
The alternative is what I referred to as “bondage” in last week’s article. Your mind takes the driver’s seat and steers you to distraction and negativity, or just toward pursuits that aren’t really aligned with what your highest self wants. My friend Andy Dooley, who teaches people to be happy, calls this cycle “lousy and lazy thinking.” Lousy because of its disempowering nature, and lazy because of our tendency to let it take over – often without even noticing – rather than doing the work to heal and clean house.
Some years ago, I found myself in a period of chronic anxiety. I had at my disposal a wide range of herbs, supplements, and pharmaceuticals, most of them designed to do the same thing – tranquilize the mind. Although they made me feel sleepy and cloudy, these substances never fundamentally changed the anxiety, and often, they actually made it worse. To my surprise, some of the worst experiences occurred with herbs. Eventually I realized these pills and teas were robbing me of my mental edge, which made mental discipline more difficult.
When I discontinued all the meds and committed myself to healing, I improved rapidly. Though, I must admit, whenever I felt normal for a while, I would get “lazy” again. I would assume that I didn’t need to keep an eye on my mind. And it would eventually sneak up on me with a relapse. I learned that it needed to be a continuous practice, and when I added meditation and mindfulness to my regimen, it was much easier. It was a valuable experience, and it changed the way I treat patients with mental health issues.
During the process of relearning mental discipline, I remembered an earlier time, in my 20s, when I felt horribly despondent after the end of an intense romantic relationship. In the midst of despair, a fleeting thought visited me. It seemed almost as if it didn't come from my own mind – as if it was inserted into my stream of consciousness from a more intelligent Me that was removed from the emotional intensity of the situation. The thought was, “You’re faking it.”
Being swept up as I was in the tragedy of the breakup and enjoying the commiseration of my friends, a part of me felt indignant at the suggestion that I might be faking it. Faking it? Outrageous! Why would I be faking this? This is what humans DO when something like this happens. This is serious! Why would I choose to suffer?!
I can now advise in hindsight that anytime you find yourself mentally protesting and defending your point of view – particularly one that makes you feel bad – you’re standing on shaky ground. You’re not allowing the truth to come in because it would invalidate your story. Probably you have a lot invested in being right, which is often in direct opposition to being free.
Anyway, that one thought – you're faking it – burrowed into my consciousness and started to take hold. Novel thoughts arose: What if I were able to skip the whole grieving process? What if I could just be light about the whole thing? I would have to sacrifice all the sympathy I’ve been getting. I wouldn’t be able to tell the “woe is me” story anymore.
I discovered that there was a more enduring, more neutral, more authentic Me that didn't really feel terrible or dramatic, but just watched the whole thing impassively. Since then, in the midst of all sorts of other strong emotions, that disruptive thought has returned: You’re faking it. The real You is okay. What happens next is a matter of whether I apply the mental discipline to stick to the truth.
Try it. Even if you feel hopeless. Watch what’s happening in your mind and body. Don’t ignore any unpleasant thought or feeling. Turn your attention toward it rather than away. Learn what’s really there. Be curious. What is the actual thought behind the unpleasant feeling? Feel the feeling without resistance. Don’t deny it, reject it, or bury it. Welcome it. Experience it with your whole self. Let it open and spread over you. Breathe into it. Forgive yourself and anyone else who’s connected to what you’re feeling. And let it go. Then choose something else: Choose light. Choose to reclaim your power. Choose freedom. Choose to embody your expanded sense of self. Then keep choosing, keep forgiving, and keep letting go.
If you believe this is overly simplistic, just give it an earnest try. Sincerely commit to healing. I’m just talking about work. I’m sure you’ve done hard work before – whether in the form of cleaning, exercise, studying, or whatever you do for a living. Hard work isn’t bad. People generally don't like to work hard unless there's a payoff – something objective, like a clean house, a hot body, a gold medal, or a paycheck. In this case, there's not going to be an obvious carrot dangling in front of you, and what’s more, there’s really no end to it. You don't get weekends or your birthday off.
But once you experience the value of it, you will never want to take a break. And even though it's hard work, it does get easier (then it gets harder, and then easier again). And even though you will never want to let your mind get away with grabbing the steering wheel and driving you into illusion, over time you'll notice that your mind doesn't try to pull that crap nearly as often.
Good luck,
Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => When I was a teenager, I invested $400 in 20 years of anger and a big, hard, life-changing lesson. I had seen this guy around – a friend of a friend named Justin – carrying the exact model of guitar that I wanted, and there was a rumor that he was looking to sell it. I tracked him down in a parking lot by the beach where high schoolers hung out on summer nights.
He was among a group of kids smoking cigarettes on a Mexican blanket in the back of a van. As I approached them, he nodded at me in recognition, and I asked him about the guitar. He said he had paid $800 for the instrument but was willing to let it go for half of that because he needed money fast. So fast, in fact, that he wanted me to pay him for it on the spot even though he didn’t have the guitar with him. That way, he explained, he would know I was serious about it and he wouldn’t sell it to another guy that he had already promised it to. I went home and returned with my money, which I handed over, and he agreed to meet me at a coffee shop the next morning with the guitar.
Only, as you can probably guess, he didn’t show up.
I found out where he lived and went to his house. He answered the door flanked by a large, red-faced man several years older than us who looked twitchy, and had scabs on his knuckles. I asked for the guitar.
“What guitar?” Justin replied. “Are you talking about my cousin’s guitar?”
“Yeah,” the man asked, “are you talking about my guitar?” and he pointed to the guitar, which lay on a dirty couch behind them.
“Well it’s my guitar actually,” I stated, trying to sound tougher than I felt. “I paid Justin 400 bucks for it yesterday.”
“Why would you make up a story like that?” his cousin challenged, sneering to reveal a mouthful of broken teeth. “He can’t sell my guitar. Can you, Justin?”
“Nope,” said Justin. “I barely know this loser.”
“Did this little boy give you 400 bucks?” Cousin asked.
“Of course not. Cuz then I’d have 400 bucks. But I’m broke, see?” and he pulled out his wallet and opened it to show that it was empty.
“Well then,” said Cousin, turning back to me, “it looks like you just came here to try to cheat us and that’s not very nice.”
“You’re the ones who are cheating me!” I countered, but my instincts were telling me that no good would come out of pushing this.
“Is this little boy threatening us at our own house, Justin?” Cousin asked.
“It kinda sounds like it,” Justin replied. “It kinda sounds like he wants to fight.” The two of them edged toward me.
“I don’t want to fight,” I said, “I just want the guitar that I paid for.”
“If you don’t want trouble,” said Cousin, “then get off our porch and don’t show your face around here again.”
So I left.
At that age, in that time and place, I believed that getting an adult involved – even one with a badge – simply wasn’t an option. Not solving your own problems was looked down upon, and there was no real escape from retribution for squealing in a small town. No, the only way to manage such an issue was to beat someone up. My guy friends said things like, “You need to go back over there and pound the money out of him!” But I was a skinny pacifist and Justin and his cousin were the burly sons of lobstermen. I suggested that maybe a whole gang of us could visit Justin’s house, but my friends sheepishly declined, murmuring things like, “I don’t have any beef with him . . .”
I only encountered Justin once more in person. I ran into him at a restaurant a few months later, where he was sitting at a table with his friends (no Cousin, luckily). I walked over to him and said, “You still owe me 400 bucks.”
“Yeah?” he replied, “Get in line. I owe money to a lot of people.” And at this he shrugged and looked to his friends who all laughed and started yelling out how much he owed them.
I wish I could say that was the end of it, but I had hundreds – no, thousands – of encounters with him in my mind during and after this time. The incident generated many negative conclusions: that I was an idiot, that people are bad and untrustworthy, that I was weak, that Boston is full of thugs, that I wasn’t manly, that I couldn’t count on my friends, and so on. I had daydreams in which I would imagine myself destroying his life, or going back with a gun or a knife and getting my money, or stealing the guitar.
Sometimes I would forget about the whole thing for a month or six months or a year, but whenever I remembered it again I still felt upset.
It was many years before I entertained the idea of forgiveness. I didn’t like him and I didn’t want to give him anything he didn’t deserve, but I was beginning to get a sense of just how much my own resentment had poisoned me. So I tried it. I said to myself, “I forgive Justin for stealing my money,” and I felt a little relieved.
But shortly thereafter, I caught myself replaying the story and feeling angry. I hadn’t let it go. I was frustrated. I forgave him again. And then I caught myself again. And I repeated this cycle a few more times before a deeper understanding began to dawn on me.
First, I decided that it would be worth $400 to really let this go. So I reframed it – I decided I was letting him have the $400 willingly so that I could just be done with this. I hoped that if I could convince myself that I was choosing this, there would be nothing to resent.
Unfortunately, this strategy wasn’t enough to help me get over the whole thing, but there was value in being rational about the various costs and payoffs involved. I was getting nothing but pain for my $400 as long as I held onto my story. And, Briana once reminded me, if I had taken on those guys: “You would have been paying four hundred dollars to get your butt kicked.”
Second, I discovered that forgiveness is almost always a many-layered process and constitutes more work than we tend to expect. In my case, I had some anger about having gotten ripped off, but I was gradually getting to a place where $400 wasn’t that much money. The actual theft wasn’t the biggest thing. More bothersome was the sense that my instincts were wrong, that I was helpless, that I was a wimp, and especially that I should have done something differently.
I looked long and hard at all of this, and it took me on a deeper journey into my psyche that revealed that these thoughts all had deeper roots. There was a certain mistrust for the world that was important to recognize, but more importantly, a mistrust of myself, and lots of self-blame. I systematically unearthed everything I found and forgave it all.
Third, I realized that true forgiveness is not a single act, but a commitment. I’ve written about this idea in several articles and books, but never before told the story that led me to it. Until I had this revelation, I believed that a proper act of forgiveness should last forever and the resentment should never come back. Thus, I had also some self-blame around not having forgiven correctly, since it wasn’t sticking.
Then I learned that the “correct” way to forgive is to make an agreement with myself that I am going to forgive over and over, as many times as it takes. It’s also an agreement to be mindful enough to notice when I’ve picked up my resentment again, to stop indulging in it, and let it go once more.
So, in the end, perhaps $400 was a bargain for the insights I finally got.
What have you invested in (whether with dollars, energy, time, or some other commodity) that has thus far yielded only pain? Is it possible to reframe it such that you offer to willingly give what has already been given – in exchange for growth, insight, and freedom?
Where is forgiveness in order? Besides the most obvious object of forgiveness, what sub-resentments exist? (It’s worth getting a pen and paper for this, since it might be a long list.) Are you willing to make a lifelong commitment to forgive and thus be freed from a story that has kept you enslaved? It’s heroism, truly.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => One evening several years ago, I was taking a walk and saw something big flapping in the wind. As I got closer, I realized it was a giant plastic bag that was stuck to a tree. I thought to myself, “Someone should clean that up,” and I walked on.
It was one of those thoughts where you actually hear the specific words in your head – Someone should clean that up. And one word in particular stuck in my mind: Someone.
Then it felt like my body was compelled to slow down, and a higher part of my consciousness seemed to be telling me, “Look more closely at this pattern.”
Someone should deal with what I dislike. Make it better for me.
I turned around. I disentangled the bag from the tree. I balled it up, found a nearby dumpster, and threw it away. And though it was just one bag, it was symbolic of a shift. The shift wasn’t that I now pick up all the litter I see wherever I go. It was a recognition of how I want the world to be different without participating in the process, and it was a reminder of my ability to choose my perspective and to act on my own behalf.
Then there was one more insight from that soul place: This is (part of) what being an adult means. As children we expect our caregivers to make the world right for us; as adults, we act on our own behalf. It struck me that growing up has little to do with how many years you’ve been alive. You could be 80 years old and still expecting the world to make things right for you.
Over the following months, I paid closer attention to people who were active in consciously shaping their world. It was so inspiring. I noticed that sometimes this approach to life issued from an attitude of optimism and empowerment, like, “I have gifts to share!” or “I want to be an active participant in changing my environment.” And other times it came from an attitude of mistrust and pessimism, like, “You can’t count on anyone; that’s why you have to do everything yourself” or “People are going to mess it up if I don’t step in.”
Gradually, another characteristic of growing up was revealed: letting go of fixed positions. In those who strove to improve their world, there was always flexibility and a willingness to see more than one side of an issue, because the truth is rarely black-and-white. Children like things in absolute terms: this superhero is good and the other guy is bad; broccoli is healthy and candy is unhealthy; sharing is the right thing to do and not sharing is wrong. But adults recognize that such formulaic ways of thinking often fall short. Only by engaging with life openly and organically, with a strong appetite for the truth, do we stand to grow and evolve. This brings lots of grey and apparent paradox, but the adult mind can handle it.
How do you define growing up? What challenges you about being an adult? Share in the comments section below.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => Previously I wrote about the many layers of the Self as explained in nondual Tantrik philosophy. Each of these layers – your body, your mind and feelings, your energy, your awareness, etc. – is considered an expression of the oneness that is the real You. When we find ourselves wrapped up in just one layer – struggling with a body issue, for instance, or carried away by obsessive thinking – we forget that we’re all of this, more than the mind is capable of grasping. When we lose sight of our vastness, we experience a loss of freedom. Instead, we’re at the mercy of a body which will inevitably age, or at the mercy of a mind which will inevitably fail to see the big picture.
As I explained in that article, the mind/feelings layer is the most common for people to get stuck in. It’s hard not to have your attention monopolized by a machine that generates so much drama, such strong sensations, that has so many facts and answers, that helps you navigate life as a human, and that keeps score on how you’re doing. But your mind is just a tiny fraction of all that you are. This is why mental discipline is important not just for things like martial arts and meditation, but also for reaching your potential in any arena – from sports to finance to scientific research – and for being as happy, peaceful, and free as possible. The scientist Michael Faraday said in an 1854 lecture, “That point of self-education which consists in teaching the mind to resist its desires and inclinations until they are proved to be right, is the most important of all.”
The alternative is what I referred to as “bondage” in last week’s article. Your mind takes the driver’s seat and steers you to distraction and negativity, or just toward pursuits that aren’t really aligned with what your highest self wants. My friend Andy Dooley, who teaches people to be happy, calls this cycle “lousy and lazy thinking.” Lousy because of its disempowering nature, and lazy because of our tendency to let it take over – often without even noticing – rather than doing the work to heal and clean house.
Some years ago, I found myself in a period of chronic anxiety. I had at my disposal a wide range of herbs, supplements, and pharmaceuticals, most of them designed to do the same thing – tranquilize the mind. Although they made me feel sleepy and cloudy, these substances never fundamentally changed the anxiety, and often, they actually made it worse. To my surprise, some of the worst experiences occurred with herbs. Eventually I realized these pills and teas were robbing me of my mental edge, which made mental discipline more difficult.
When I discontinued all the meds and committed myself to healing, I improved rapidly. Though, I must admit, whenever I felt normal for a while, I would get “lazy” again. I would assume that I didn’t need to keep an eye on my mind. And it would eventually sneak up on me with a relapse. I learned that it needed to be a continuous practice, and when I added meditation and mindfulness to my regimen, it was much easier. It was a valuable experience, and it changed the way I treat patients with mental health issues.
During the process of relearning mental discipline, I remembered an earlier time, in my 20s, when I felt horribly despondent after the end of an intense romantic relationship. In the midst of despair, a fleeting thought visited me. It seemed almost as if it didn't come from my own mind – as if it was inserted into my stream of consciousness from a more intelligent Me that was removed from the emotional intensity of the situation. The thought was, “You’re faking it.”
Being swept up as I was in the tragedy of the breakup and enjoying the commiseration of my friends, a part of me felt indignant at the suggestion that I might be faking it. Faking it? Outrageous! Why would I be faking this? This is what humans DO when something like this happens. This is serious! Why would I choose to suffer?!
I can now advise in hindsight that anytime you find yourself mentally protesting and defending your point of view – particularly one that makes you feel bad – you’re standing on shaky ground. You’re not allowing the truth to come in because it would invalidate your story. Probably you have a lot invested in being right, which is often in direct opposition to being free.
Anyway, that one thought – you're faking it – burrowed into my consciousness and started to take hold. Novel thoughts arose: What if I were able to skip the whole grieving process? What if I could just be light about the whole thing? I would have to sacrifice all the sympathy I’ve been getting. I wouldn’t be able to tell the “woe is me” story anymore.
I discovered that there was a more enduring, more neutral, more authentic Me that didn't really feel terrible or dramatic, but just watched the whole thing impassively. Since then, in the midst of all sorts of other strong emotions, that disruptive thought has returned: You’re faking it. The real You is okay. What happens next is a matter of whether I apply the mental discipline to stick to the truth.
Try it. Even if you feel hopeless. Watch what’s happening in your mind and body. Don’t ignore any unpleasant thought or feeling. Turn your attention toward it rather than away. Learn what’s really there. Be curious. What is the actual thought behind the unpleasant feeling? Feel the feeling without resistance. Don’t deny it, reject it, or bury it. Welcome it. Experience it with your whole self. Let it open and spread over you. Breathe into it. Forgive yourself and anyone else who’s connected to what you’re feeling. And let it go. Then choose something else: Choose light. Choose to reclaim your power. Choose freedom. Choose to embody your expanded sense of self. Then keep choosing, keep forgiving, and keep letting go.
If you believe this is overly simplistic, just give it an earnest try. Sincerely commit to healing. I’m just talking about work. I’m sure you’ve done hard work before – whether in the form of cleaning, exercise, studying, or whatever you do for a living. Hard work isn’t bad. People generally don't like to work hard unless there's a payoff – something objective, like a clean house, a hot body, a gold medal, or a paycheck. In this case, there's not going to be an obvious carrot dangling in front of you, and what’s more, there’s really no end to it. You don't get weekends or your birthday off.
But once you experience the value of it, you will never want to take a break. And even though it's hard work, it does get easier (then it gets harder, and then easier again). And even though you will never want to let your mind get away with grabbing the steering wheel and driving you into illusion, over time you'll notice that your mind doesn't try to pull that crap nearly as often.
Good luck,
Dr. Peter Borten
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In sync. Easy to read. Right to the heart space for lack of a better term. With gratitude ~
Thanks, Rasa. Yes, heart space is a fine term.
Matthew 22:37-38..Love God with ALL your heart should and mind…And love your neighbor as yourself…The 2 most important commandments..and God made it so simple!
Heart Soul Mind!
And so enjoyable.
“It all makes perfect sense” to use a phrase from a Roger Waters song. I appreciate the enlightenment you share.
I’m glad it clicked for you, Doreen.
Lovely… For me, the forgetting is a sorting, a release of what is not necessary for the here and now. It is the place in life that I have found myself…. Thank you for this reminder that it is all sacred!
Yes. If only everyone could dwell in that state without fear or despair, just trusting.
Love this. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Heather
This so resinates with me. SAMHARA yes, so much! I love it. I am a earth lover which is a lot of my spirituality lies. This makes sence thank you.
I’m an earth lover, too. And yes, emergence and retraction is the way of the earth.
Peter, you asked how your essay resonates with our worldview. I have struggled all my life with the precept that all of Creation must be a part of our experience. Why? Why must we endure suffering, cruelty, greed and belligerence in our experience if we consciously choose a peaceful, loving, egalitarian and abundance-for-all world, instead? Why must the honest, open, loving children of light be abused and exploited by aggressive beings of darkness marching toward world domination? I do not understand. It seems like a cruel set-up, with all the decks stacked against those seeking justice and peace for all.
Hi Janine,
Jumping in several years late on this one but just stumbled across this article and your comment and thought I might add to the eloquent answer Peter already provided.
Duality is necessary in order to experience anything at all. What would hot be, without cold? What would darkness be, without light? What would wet be, without dry?
These are all experiential components of this reality.
Without our egos, we would have no concept of separation not just from each other, but from anything at all. In the same way, without duality, we wouldn’t be able to experience anything at all.
So the goal in life isn’t to reduce suffering, as without it, we would not comprehend joy.
The goal in the dondual tantric sense, is to shift your perspective to one that accepts all experiences as divine, and to let go of this dualistic obsession we have with opposites that in reality, when we peel it all away, don’t even truly exist.
To quote Christopher Wallis –
“If you think the goal of life, or even worse, the spiritual path, is to feel good all the time, then you are a slave of the mind.
If you think happiness is the result of maximising everything you like and minimising everything you don’t like, you are a slave of the mind, and you run around doing its bidding every day.”
I hope that sheds some further light on the topic and I hope the years since your initial comment have been kind to you.
Cheers.
William
Yes, this part can be tricky. It’s part of the intense duality of this age – where conflict is epidemic, but dramatic and rapid change is also possible. To me, the goal is to wake up to what we really are, which is unharmed by the negative factors you mentioned. It’s worth asking, “What is it going to take for me to finally pull myself out of this nightmare?” … and sometimes the answer is, evidently, greater discomfort.
But to your question – why must these things be part of our experience? – I would say, because they’re part of what’s possible. If we seek to deny them, to forbid these expressions because they’re unpleasant, we only further fragment ourselves and our world. By resisting them, we only make them stronger and more permanent.
Did you read the first of my articles on nondualism? http://www.thedragontree.com/2017/05/24/youre-connected-realize/
Darkness is here because we have free will. But it is overwhelmingly outweighed by Love.
Powerful, well considered response to @ Jeannine. U r appreciated Dr. Peter Borten!
Thanks for perfect explanation
Actually I came across a facebook post, where I was not comfortable with the word “Tirodhana”
https://www.facebook.com/govardhanpeeth/videos/450508443070324/
Reading this my mind is filled with satisfaction.
Thanks again
Sir I already felt 7 chakras or kal tatava but, according to 7 chakras I am at first and sometimes I am going to bliss and sometimes exiting for survival mostly, for my family I need bit guidance I am already in stage or atam gyan but bit confused. I think I am already on the path of mukti or explained by lord budha dhama and I am not even 20 I feel sometimes I will leave my body but, I then remember the pain which I will give to my mother and father. What should I do? Sometimes I confuse too much like entering and exiting from the bliss.
Hi Akshit,
You need a teacher who can assess you in person. I have no idea what’s best for you. But I would say, just because it’s possible to leave your body doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for the common good (yourself included). If you are actually a liberated Being, consider staying in your body and being of service to all the suffering people around you.
Beautifully explained, i was reading iconography of Nataraja. the left hand conceals the chest and comes down as ‘dola hastha’- heart covered depicts tirodhana, the meaning of which i found here.
Thanks! I wasn’t aware of that symbolism in depictions of Nataraja