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[post_content] => One
of the greatest sources of pain I’ve witnessed during the pandemic is the perception of restricted freedom. There have been some measurable restrictions on our freedoms, like the freedom to gather in large groups, the freedom to enter stores without a mask on, or the freedom to have an open business. There have been some virtual restrictions too, like the freedom to do everyday activities – touching your face, hugging people, shopping, etc. – without the worry of contracting a serious disease.
We have control over some aspects of the hardships of pandemic life but not others; I’d like to address what we can control. In my opinion, the majority of this pain comes from illusions of constraint. And one of the main ways we perpetuate such illusions is through judgment.
There are micro-judgments and macro-judgments. They’re not really different, but the macro judgments tend to be bigger, more conscious stances you’ve taken on people, events, issues, etc. If someone were to ask what you think about Donald Trump or Star Trek or cilantro, your judgments would probably be evident. Micro-judgments are harder to see and generally harder to change since they’re part of the fundamental nature of the mind, they’re happening constantly, and they’re often subconscious. The mind labels and judges as good or bad nearly everything we experience.
“This habit of categorizing and judging our experience locks us into automatic reactions that we are not even aware of and that often have no objective basis at all,” writes Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living. “These judgments tend to dominate our minds, making it difficult for us ever to find any peace within ourselves or to develop any discernment as to what may actually be going on, inwardly or outwardly.”
We’re rarely aware of how much we judge and how this impacts us. For each thing we judge as bad there tends to be some form of closing, aversion, or resistance. We might experience this as a subtle (or not so subtle) bodily feeling of tension. The judgmental thought might give rise to other contractive thoughts such as: No. I don’t like it. I’m not that way. That’s not fair. Life / the world shouldn’t be this way. This is wrong / bad. I can’t tolerate this. To the extent that these judgments fill our consciousness (and go unchallenged) we experience that much less freedom.
Even the things we judge as good can spur a similar kind of constraint as subconscious thoughts arise like: I want it always to be like this. I don’t want this to end. Why can’t it always be this way? What’s wrong with me that I’m not enjoying this as much as I think I should? Thus, even encounters with things we like can have a contractive effect on us when judgment takes hold and we give ourselves over to it.
When it comes to our experience of freedom, imagined restrictions might as well be metal shackles.
The good news is that our judgments can be challenged, transcended, or compassionately witnessed without letting them influence us. The bad news is that this takes work and most of us are in the lazy habit of letting our mind run the show.
My mentor Matt Garrigan used to say, “You are not your mind. You have a mind.” Like so many spiritual truths, it’s basically worthless as an intellectual concept to chew on. It only works when you start living it, and then it’s life changing.
You might begin with an openness to the possibility that what your mind has to say is neither true nor important. But most minds will argue strongly against not being the center of your attention, so it’s often best to lead with awareness itself rather than thoughts about thoughts. You just sit, breathe naturally, and watch your thoughts – many of them judgments – come and go. If you don’t attach to them, don’t engage with them, don’t try to stop them, don’t judge them, and don’t resist them, you eventually begin to experience that you are not your mind. And this is freedom.
It’s often called cultivating the witness state. I like to call it practicing innocence.
The basis for making judgments is the assumption that we know. If we’re going to judge every facet of life, we must believe we’re qualified to do so, and this feeds our sense of self-importance and inflates the ego, making it all the more judgy.
Innocence is relinquishing our position as judge, admitting we may not have the qualifications, and being open to a reality that we haven’t predefined for ourselves.
Innocence doesn’t imply naivety, and non-judgment isn’t a lack of discernment. In fact, it’s only when we drop all our prejudices that we’re able to see the truth. If anything, it’s naïve to always think we already know. It’s arrogant to believe we can hear the truth if we only listen to our own inner commentary. And it’s foolhardy to put more stock in our mind – a device we created – than in pure experience.
When we’re scared or stressed it’s more difficult to practice innocence, and we can get even more judgy than usual. Right now there’s a lot of judgment about whether people are wearing masks or not, about social distancing, about how everyone is dealing with racism, about the great uncertainty of the future. I invite all of us to notice these judgments, to take a deep breath, and to let them go for now. Can you feel the slight increase in "breathing room" that happens? Imagine how much freer you’d be if you released judgments all the time and the habit of automatically believing them began to disappear.
What’s your experience with judgment and innocence? What happens when you let your inner judge direct you? What happens when you just notice these judgments and your reactions to them? Who are you when you expand into that Awareness that witnesses and contains the mind? Share with our community in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
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It was 1985, and just in time for puberty I got some good lessons on the power of Love. I learned that you don’t need money, that it don’t take fame, and furthermore, that you don’t need no credit card to ride this train. However, like pretty much everyone else, I still got stuck on the idea that Love is (1) what you’re obligated to feel for your family members, or (2) the fortuitous result of circumstances being just right.
Given that it’s pretty much the best feeling in the world and one of the prime motivators of human behavior, it’s unfortunate that we often tend to think of Love as an elusive thing. Something to be chased and held onto tightly, something that can be taken away. And, sadly, certainly not something we can experience at will.
Being immersed in a world in which the idea of looking for Love is so prevalent, it’s been hard to break myself of the habit of thinking this way. But I no longer believe it’s true.
About 15 years ago, I was at a meditation retreat, and every once in a while the facilitator would ask a question. No verbal response was required . . . the question was just meant to sink into the consciousness of the participants. One of the questions was, “What is your greatest power?” Whereas most of the questions spurred a stream of thoughts, and sometimes the hope that I had come up with the “right” answer, this one hit me differently. My mind didn’t have a chance because my heart answered immediately. It said, “Love.” And I had a sense that this wasn’t just my greatest power, it was our greatest power.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Why should I care about the realization that you say came out of your heart at some woo-woo meditation retreat? Speak for yourself – my greatest power is that I can shoot fire out of my eyes.” Yeah, yeah. I know what comes out of my heart isn’t as credible as a double blind study in a peer reviewed journal. And if you thought that was woo-woo, let me give you a little perspective. Part of my training in Chinese Medicine was to learn qigong – the art of perceiving, manipulating, and cultivating life energy (Qi). After years of playing with Qi, you don’t question it when your heart talks to you.
Anyway, I’m not asking you to take my word for it, but please hear me out. In the years since then, I’ve kept listening to my heart and I’ve learned a little about Love. I still have a ways to go in terms of living in accordance with what I’ve learned, but I know enough to point others in the right direction. So, here it is.
First, we think of Love way too much as a noun. And Huey Lewis, bless his heart, didn’t help break of this habit. We like to treat Love as a thing. To be deserved, to be earned, to be won, and to be lost.
Love can be a noun – in that it’s a quality of being – but in my experience, it has nothing to do with deserving or winning. Love just IS. Love is our native state. It’s who we are. We can pile on so many beliefs and affectations that we lose sight of it, but we can’t change this most fundamental fact. Our minds may get confused and put conditions upon Love. But Love is always there, within us, able to be accessed at any moment, even when it seems utterly far away.
Now for the verb form of Love. This is where our power comes in. To Love is what we were born to do. Love is an expansion. Love never excludes. And the more we embrace this notion, the richer our life becomes.
The function of a confused mind is to separate everything. When you have the honor of spending time with children you notice how they (especially the tiny ones) haven’t learned to separate everything into countless discrete entities. And when you really see this in them, it’s awesome. Not just because it’s so beautifully uncontrived, but because you know you used to be that way.
But we teach them to separate, with names and labels, and we place such importance on it that Love is a natural casualty of the process. With a million separate words and ideas, and billions of separate people, it’s understandable that we’d think that Love, too, is separate from us.
Maybe you use the word God for what I am calling Love, but I think we’re talking about the same thing, and the same sense of separation between God and themselves exists in the minds of most people who use the word God. When we believe that God, or Love, or whatever word you like, is something separate from us, it becomes a conditional thing in our lives. And we invent the conditions that preside over that relationship.
But, not only is Love not separate from us, Love itself is the mender of separation. Love fills in the gaps that create separation. Like a warm ocean waiting on the other side of the door, the moment we open the places we’ve restricted, Love rushes in, saturating all the parts of ourselves and the world that we haven’t accepted, and in so doing, unites what we tried to separate.
So, I urge you to Love as a verb. When we take deserving out of the equation, we’re suddenly surrounded by an infinite array of Love-worthy people, plants, animals, and stars. And also Love-worthy dirt, garbage, and smog, by the way.
Try silently saying “I Love you” to the person bagging your groceries, to the person who just cut you off and made you miss your exit, to the person on the tech support line who tells you, “I’m going to have you turn off your phone and then turn it back on. Maybe that will fix it.”
But don’t forget about the person whose body you’re renting. That character has been doing so much misguided stuff to get more Love, and all along you had the power to unleash it upon yourself. Go for it.
Love,
Dr. Peter Borten
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As a teenager I spent a lot of time in the tunnels of Boston’s subway system. They were brightly tiled in red, blue, green, and orange, and there was a smell that I’ll never forget – not terrible, not pleasant – that poured forth in gusts as a train approached. I sat on benches with my head down, doing homework or reading the liner notes of albums, and generally nobody bothered me.
Except the evangelists, that is. I was often told that I needed to accept Jesus as my lord and savior – or else burn in hell. One guy had a sandwich board that listed all the reasons you could go to hell – rock ’n’ roll, masturbation, homosexuality, fornication, socialism, feminism, atheism, etc. – and he liked to give me the stink eye as I walked by. Sometimes I’d run into the Hare Krishnas, who told me that my whole way of life was wrong and tried to get me to come to their temple. And at home, we were visited weekly by Jehovah’s Witnesses who were determined to win us over despite being told repeatedly that we already had a religion.
Religion felt like a heavy inheritance, and these exchanges made me averse to being told what to believe – so averse that I threw the baby out with the spiritual bathwater and turned my back on it altogether. Eventually I was able to recognize that the spiritual connection – which religion aims to facilitate – doesn’t require a religious structure, and it certainly doesn’t require dogma. But even years later, having studied yoga, qi gong, reiki, acupuncture, Daoism, and other practices that offer a non-dogmatic approach to spiritual enrichment, I still found it difficult to speak openly to students and patients about spirituality because I didn’t want to come across like those evangelists – pushy, judgmental, and condescending.
However, I had seen firsthand the positive impact of a spiritual practice – and it’s supported by scientific research: people with a spiritual practice tend to have less stress, greater resilience during challenging times, more positive engagement with community, better health, and a longer life. So, little by little, I began delicately broaching the subject. I touched on it in some articles, and then Briana and I covered it a bit more explicitly in the book The Well Life.
Meanwhile, I observed more and more cases where the presence of a spiritual practice was instrumental in a patient’s recovery. It would be untrue to say that people can’t be happy or can’t overcome challenges without a spiritual practice, but for those who find it difficult to achieve lasting happiness or who seem beset by one challenge after another, a spiritual practice often makes the difference. The same is often the case for those who feel their achievements are somehow hollow, or who constantly feel that something is missing – that emptiness may be the absence of a spiritual dimension, a means by which one’s individual pursuits are connected to the whole.
Finally, a few years ago, we decided to stop beating around the bush. We wrote a book called Rituals for Transformation – a 108-day process for awakening this dimension of your life. Briana doesn't really have any hang-ups around this topic, but I was a bit nervous about releasing it. Even though it’s not a religious book, I thought it might push some of those buttons. After all, religion has been not only a structure for spiritual connection, but also an instrument for political control, discrimination, and genocide – and these associations aren’t easily erased from our collective consciousness. But part of our aim with this book is to help people see that spirituality is the baby that many of us threw out because we didn’t resonate with the bathwater. Your spiritual life is yours to define, and spirituality is available to everyone – religious and nonreligious, theist and atheist.
When you have an experience of this dimension, whether through prayer or mindfulness or a spontaneous connection with nature that transcends everyday consciousness, it’s funny to consider that we talk about wanting to give a sliver of our lives to it, or that it’s “available” to us if we’d like some, like, “Sprinkles are available for your ice cream,” because the reality is that it’s always here, and it encompasses the whole of your life.
But a little is enough, so we were careful not to make Rituals for Transformation so ambitious as to be difficult to complete. I remember my first qi gong teacher explaining that although we were beginning with exercises that would only take 20 minutes of each day, the change in consciousness they’d produce would begin to spread into the rest of our lives. She was right – it wasn’t long before I started to be aware of my energy and below-the-surface interactions with the world, even when I was just walking down a street or eating or having a conversation.
I’d love to hear about your experience with religion and/or spirituality and how this practice has supported you – or, if you don’t have a spiritual practice, what has gotten in the way.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Ditch the Dogma, Keep the Spirituality
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of the greatest sources of pain I’ve witnessed during the pandemic is the perception of restricted freedom. There have been some measurable restrictions on our freedoms, like the freedom to gather in large groups, the freedom to enter stores without a mask on, or the freedom to have an open business. There have been some virtual restrictions too, like the freedom to do everyday activities – touching your face, hugging people, shopping, etc. – without the worry of contracting a serious disease.
We have control over some aspects of the hardships of pandemic life but not others; I’d like to address what we can control. In my opinion, the majority of this pain comes from illusions of constraint. And one of the main ways we perpetuate such illusions is through judgment.
There are micro-judgments and macro-judgments. They’re not really different, but the macro judgments tend to be bigger, more conscious stances you’ve taken on people, events, issues, etc. If someone were to ask what you think about Donald Trump or Star Trek or cilantro, your judgments would probably be evident. Micro-judgments are harder to see and generally harder to change since they’re part of the fundamental nature of the mind, they’re happening constantly, and they’re often subconscious. The mind labels and judges as good or bad nearly everything we experience.
“This habit of categorizing and judging our experience locks us into automatic reactions that we are not even aware of and that often have no objective basis at all,” writes Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living. “These judgments tend to dominate our minds, making it difficult for us ever to find any peace within ourselves or to develop any discernment as to what may actually be going on, inwardly or outwardly.”
We’re rarely aware of how much we judge and how this impacts us. For each thing we judge as bad there tends to be some form of closing, aversion, or resistance. We might experience this as a subtle (or not so subtle) bodily feeling of tension. The judgmental thought might give rise to other contractive thoughts such as: No. I don’t like it. I’m not that way. That’s not fair. Life / the world shouldn’t be this way. This is wrong / bad. I can’t tolerate this. To the extent that these judgments fill our consciousness (and go unchallenged) we experience that much less freedom.
Even the things we judge as good can spur a similar kind of constraint as subconscious thoughts arise like: I want it always to be like this. I don’t want this to end. Why can’t it always be this way? What’s wrong with me that I’m not enjoying this as much as I think I should? Thus, even encounters with things we like can have a contractive effect on us when judgment takes hold and we give ourselves over to it.
When it comes to our experience of freedom, imagined restrictions might as well be metal shackles.
The good news is that our judgments can be challenged, transcended, or compassionately witnessed without letting them influence us. The bad news is that this takes work and most of us are in the lazy habit of letting our mind run the show.
My mentor Matt Garrigan used to say, “You are not your mind. You have a mind.” Like so many spiritual truths, it’s basically worthless as an intellectual concept to chew on. It only works when you start living it, and then it’s life changing.
You might begin with an openness to the possibility that what your mind has to say is neither true nor important. But most minds will argue strongly against not being the center of your attention, so it’s often best to lead with awareness itself rather than thoughts about thoughts. You just sit, breathe naturally, and watch your thoughts – many of them judgments – come and go. If you don’t attach to them, don’t engage with them, don’t try to stop them, don’t judge them, and don’t resist them, you eventually begin to experience that you are not your mind. And this is freedom.
It’s often called cultivating the witness state. I like to call it practicing innocence.
The basis for making judgments is the assumption that we know. If we’re going to judge every facet of life, we must believe we’re qualified to do so, and this feeds our sense of self-importance and inflates the ego, making it all the more judgy.
Innocence is relinquishing our position as judge, admitting we may not have the qualifications, and being open to a reality that we haven’t predefined for ourselves.
Innocence doesn’t imply naivety, and non-judgment isn’t a lack of discernment. In fact, it’s only when we drop all our prejudices that we’re able to see the truth. If anything, it’s naïve to always think we already know. It’s arrogant to believe we can hear the truth if we only listen to our own inner commentary. And it’s foolhardy to put more stock in our mind – a device we created – than in pure experience.
When we’re scared or stressed it’s more difficult to practice innocence, and we can get even more judgy than usual. Right now there’s a lot of judgment about whether people are wearing masks or not, about social distancing, about how everyone is dealing with racism, about the great uncertainty of the future. I invite all of us to notice these judgments, to take a deep breath, and to let them go for now. Can you feel the slight increase in "breathing room" that happens? Imagine how much freer you’d be if you released judgments all the time and the habit of automatically believing them began to disappear.
What’s your experience with judgment and innocence? What happens when you let your inner judge direct you? What happens when you just notice these judgments and your reactions to them? Who are you when you expand into that Awareness that witnesses and contains the mind? Share with our community in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
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[compat_fields:WP_Query:private] => Array
(
[0] => query_vars_hash
[1] => query_vars_changed
)
[compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array
(
[0] => init_query_flags
[1] => parse_tax_query
)
)