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[post_content] => When a physical gift is given, we see that the person who gives it technically loses something and the recipient gains it. So it’s natural that from witnessing the dynamic of physical giving, we’d conclude that this is how all giving and receiving operates. But the truth is usually the opposite.
Most of what we give is intangible. We give people our love, our hope, our admiration, our blessings ... and also our grievances, our scorn, our envy, even our condemnation. And the rules are quite different with these nonphysical offerings.
First, there’s no loss. Thus, the negative feelings we direct at our fellow humans don’t leave us in the process; instead we get to keep them, amplify them, and steep in them. It’s a bit like pooping in our own bathtub.
Luckily, the same is true of the virtuous gifts we offer. We don’t lose them because they don’t belong to the personality and body we call ME. These virtues are the inexhaustible Light of the Universe, the Divine Love that we are and which wants to be expressed through us. That’s my opinion anyway, and I believe that if you practice this, you, too, will experience it as true.
Second, the giver becomes the recipient. When we direct negative energy at others we are obligated to experience it ourselves. When we attack others with our thoughts, we attack ourselves. But again, this is also true of positive feelings, and they carry a much greater magnitude of power.
So, if you want more peace, lightness, clarity, strength, forgiveness, or love, give it abundantly to others. Maybe you’re thinking, “But I don’t have peace to give to others! That’s why I
want it.” But these virtues aren’t outside or separate from you. You wouldn’t exist without them. They are virtually everything that you are. If you can’t recognize this, it’s not your fault. It’s because, like most people, you have a survival-driven mind that has been trained to hyperfocus on danger, loss, and flaws. And without really understanding the consequences, you have habitually given that mind the majority of your attention. Fortunately, that attention can be shifted, and the mind can be disciplined and transcended.
Our virtues need only to be uncovered and shared. In fact, I would venture to say that we don’t truly know these beautiful truths until we offer them to others. In order to offer them, we must call them up within ourselves. Therefore, making such a gift is an affirmation that we do possess these qualities. As long as we’re reluctant to give them away (even to our enemies) we reinforce the belief that they’re limited, and that more for one means less for another. Giving them away instantly corrects this misperception. Try it. You’ll see.
I encourage you this holiday season (and forever) to do two things. First, make a practice of watching your mind throughout the day. When you catch yourself harboring negative thoughts, shift your attention to something else. Imagine you are in martial arts training and you need to develop laser-like focus. You have no use for mental pollution. Release it. If it helps, you can thank your mind for presenting you with its concerns, but reassure it that it no longer needs to police the world.
Second, give to others the virtues that you wish to receive. Start by silently offering peace or love, or light or vision to those who are closest to you. Notice what happens within yourself when you do this. Then try it with those in your broader community, including the strangers you see on the street and in stores. Then practice with those against whom you harbor grievances, including people you know personally as well as figures in the news and internet trolls. Then try it with the whole world.
We can awaken the planet to a new reality, starting with ourselves.
I offer you love, peace, and lightness,
Peter
[post_title] => DIY: Get what you REALLY want for Christmas
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When my wife was a teenager, her stepmother one day advised her that if she didn’t have anything nice to say to someone, she could instead try saying, thank you. Not long thereafter, my wife directed some teenage angst at her stepmom, who got red in the face and responded, “Thank you!” before exiting the room.
At Thanksgiving, I’m reminded of the many flavors of gratitude and the interesting power of the words thank you. These words come up with kind of an unusual frequency in our household, and it’s not because we don’t have anything nice to say to each other.
A major contributor to the rise of thank yous in our home is the fact that my wife and I have been trying for the past few years to teach them to our four year old daughter. She’s at an age when saying thank you is not yet natural. It’s a behavior to be memorized and executed habitually so that your parents don’t get fussy. On Halloween I had to keep reminding her, “There are just two things you need to remember to say – ‘trick or treat’ and ‘thank you.’”
I catch myself sometimes flashing a sheepish look at generous adults as I prompt her with, “What do you say, Sailor?” Later I might tell her, “I don’t want to have to keep reminding you to say thank you.” But that’s not really the way I want to teach her the specialness of these words. I don’t want her to say thank you out of guilt. I don’t want her to say it just because it’s polite. I don’t want her to learn that a steady stream of thank yous is the way to avoid any disruption to the process of gift unwrapping or trick-or-treating.
I want her to say it because she feels it.
When thank you issues from your heart because you feel gratitude, the last thing on your mind is what effect it might have on the other person. It seems a misuse of these words to hope to get something – even better rapport – in return for saying them. On the other hand, it seems silly to reserve them just for special occasions, unless you recognize that your day is full of them.
Sometimes a more calculated use of thank you can still feel earnest, such as when you encounter difficulties. Maybe it doesn’t arise spontaneously when things don’t go the way you want them to. Perhaps thank you is the last sentiment on your mind when, for instance, you find out you’re going to miss a day of your vacation because of a booking error. Instead, maybe you’re thinking, this sucks.
But, the smooth flow of life proceeds by some fairly binary rules. There’s acceptance and resistance, yes and no. Whether we think, this sucks, or, this isn’t what I wanted, or, this isn’t fair, or simply, no, we resist the reality of things, we generate struggle, friction, and conflict. I’m not saying we shouldn’t allow ourselves to think and feel these things (because, of course, that would be saying no on another level). But, this attitude is the equivalent of paddling against the current. What if we just get back into the flow and utilize the trajectory of life, but gently steer toward a happy outcome?
When, on the other hand, we think, yes, or, I’m game, or, let’s see where this leads me, or, I’m open, or… thank you, something very different happens. Not just in our internal experience; the world actually responds differently to us. If you look an obstacle in the face and say, thank you, you deflate its power to bully you. You state your anticipation of an outcome you’ll be grateful for. This Thanksgiving, why not try saying thank you not just for the good stuff, but for the challenges, too.
Thank you – for everything,
Peter and Briana Borten and everyone at The Dragontree
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Although we weren’t thinking about it while writing it, our life planner, The Dreambook, is very much aligned with ideas of the Human Potential Movement (HPM). The movement focuses on helping people attain their full potential through numerous avenues, including self-awareness, honesty, openness, optimism, self-acceptance, mindfulness, and a willingness to be outside of one’s comfort zone. Wikipedia says a central premise of the HPM is that “people can experience a life of happiness, creativity, and fulfillment,” and that this naturally moves us to uplift our community and assist others to actualize their own potential.
Although it’s often seen as having developed from the 1960s counterculture, the seeds of the HPM were planted much earlier. Close influences were psychologists such as William James, Carl Rogers, and Abraham Maslow. In particular, Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs elucidated how humans are motivated. He claimed that we have tiers of needs, and that foundational tiers – e.g., food, shelter, safety – have to be managed before we can dedicate ourselves to higher tiers such as relationships and achievement. Maslow called the top tier self-actualization, the full realization of our potential.
Well before these modern thinkers, Greek philosophers such as Socrates and Epictetus were teaching about human potential through the cultivation of virtue. Confucius, too, (500-ish years BCE) was a great champion of personal development and spoke of the relationship between one’s individual growth and the benefit to society, similarly to what is echoed above by the HPM. In The Great Learning he wrote:
In ancient times, those who wished to make bright virtue brilliant in the world first ordered their states; those who wished to order their states first aligned their households; those who wished to align their households first refined their persons; those who wished to refine their persons first balanced their minds and hearts; those who wished to balance their minds and hearts first perfected the sincerity of their intentions; those who wished to perfect the sincerity of their intentions first extended their understanding; extending one’s understanding lies in the investigation of things.
And “the investigation of things,” according to twelfth century philosopher Zhu Xi, means, “to exhaustively arrive at the principles of matters, missing no point as one reaches the ultimate.” Some would say it means to perceive the true nature of reality.
I find this view beautifully holistic: that even for worldly aims (“to make bright virtue brilliant in the world”), we start with our basic orientation to reality, then bring this forward to the “sincerity of our intentions,” the balance of our hearts and minds, then to personal refinement, the alignment of our household, and then outward to our community.
Depending on your disposition, these statements can feel inspiring or unreachably lofty. If making bright virtue brilliant in the world feels daunting, let’s look at the ideas of living to one’s potential in simpler terms.
Confucius speaks first about the investigation of things – understanding the world. Doesn’t it make sense that in order to really grasp our potential we must understand the context in which it is expressed?
This isn’t work anyone can do for us, and it requires humility, innocence, and openness. It means, in my opinion, approaching the world as a student would approach a master teacher – willing to be wrong and open to having our mind blown. If we look to cultures who live in close connection with nature (including Confucius’s culture), they’ll almost universally assert that it’s the sacred in us, interacting with the sacred of the world, that is the essence of life – not the masks and stories we’ve superimposed upon it. What is the sacred? That which can’t be depleted, exhausted, or diminished.
What about the sincerity of intention Confucius mentions? We hope to nudge our readers toward sincere intention through the exploratory questions in the Connect section of the Dreambook. Figure out what brings you joy and gratification, regardless of what others might think. What raises your vibration? What makes you feel alive? What opens your heart? What makes you feel you’re aligned with the purpose your Highest Self wants for you?
From here, establish structures to support the actualization of these intentions. Integrate them into your everyday life. Set goals, break them down into tasks, and put the tasks in your calendar. Practice integrity by honoring your agreements with yourself. Be reverent of the powerful words they are constructed from. Make sure your agreements are clear – always know what you’ve agreed to and where you stand on them. Notice what you accomplish and celebrate these achievements. Don’t complain. Be flexible. Maintain a clear inner vision of what you intend to bring into being. And routinely express gratitude.
If this sounds like a lot to remember, that’s what a planner like the Dreambook is for – to keep you on track with the actualization of that incredible potential within you. We’re honored to witness you.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => When a physical gift is given, we see that the person who gives it technically loses something and the recipient gains it. So it’s natural that from witnessing the dynamic of physical giving, we’d conclude that this is how all giving and receiving operates. But the truth is usually the opposite.
Most of what we give is intangible. We give people our love, our hope, our admiration, our blessings ... and also our grievances, our scorn, our envy, even our condemnation. And the rules are quite different with these nonphysical offerings.
First, there’s no loss. Thus, the negative feelings we direct at our fellow humans don’t leave us in the process; instead we get to keep them, amplify them, and steep in them. It’s a bit like pooping in our own bathtub.
Luckily, the same is true of the virtuous gifts we offer. We don’t lose them because they don’t belong to the personality and body we call ME. These virtues are the inexhaustible Light of the Universe, the Divine Love that we are and which wants to be expressed through us. That’s my opinion anyway, and I believe that if you practice this, you, too, will experience it as true.
Second, the giver becomes the recipient. When we direct negative energy at others we are obligated to experience it ourselves. When we attack others with our thoughts, we attack ourselves. But again, this is also true of positive feelings, and they carry a much greater magnitude of power.
So, if you want more peace, lightness, clarity, strength, forgiveness, or love, give it abundantly to others. Maybe you’re thinking, “But I don’t have peace to give to others! That’s why I
want it.” But these virtues aren’t outside or separate from you. You wouldn’t exist without them. They are virtually everything that you are. If you can’t recognize this, it’s not your fault. It’s because, like most people, you have a survival-driven mind that has been trained to hyperfocus on danger, loss, and flaws. And without really understanding the consequences, you have habitually given that mind the majority of your attention. Fortunately, that attention can be shifted, and the mind can be disciplined and transcended.
Our virtues need only to be uncovered and shared. In fact, I would venture to say that we don’t truly know these beautiful truths until we offer them to others. In order to offer them, we must call them up within ourselves. Therefore, making such a gift is an affirmation that we do possess these qualities. As long as we’re reluctant to give them away (even to our enemies) we reinforce the belief that they’re limited, and that more for one means less for another. Giving them away instantly corrects this misperception. Try it. You’ll see.
I encourage you this holiday season (and forever) to do two things. First, make a practice of watching your mind throughout the day. When you catch yourself harboring negative thoughts, shift your attention to something else. Imagine you are in martial arts training and you need to develop laser-like focus. You have no use for mental pollution. Release it. If it helps, you can thank your mind for presenting you with its concerns, but reassure it that it no longer needs to police the world.
Second, give to others the virtues that you wish to receive. Start by silently offering peace or love, or light or vision to those who are closest to you. Notice what happens within yourself when you do this. Then try it with those in your broader community, including the strangers you see on the street and in stores. Then practice with those against whom you harbor grievances, including people you know personally as well as figures in the news and internet trolls. Then try it with the whole world.
We can awaken the planet to a new reality, starting with ourselves.
I offer you love, peace, and lightness,
Peter
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Funny how things come at the exact time that they are supposed to this message I’m reading from you came on a morning where I was trying to do just what you’re saying. It was so great to read this and confirm the universe is telling me this is what will heal me. I will let you know as I expect great things today! Either way thank you for this, it’s perfect for where I’m at right at this very moment ❤️
How wonderful. Yes, let us know!
Briana – I appreciate this wonderful (and timely!) post. I find that when I’m aware of certain negative assumptions popping up, if I can stop, be “still” and just listen for a few minutes, I always hear something healing and love-based coming through. Thank you again – your messages are always spot on!
I love that you always here something healing and love-based. Such a powerful message coming through.
I cand back from a stressful drs appointment and read this before I knew it was from you. I haven’t started my journals (I’m a procrastinator and sick) but I believe in this statement and practice it routinely. Changing my perspective has changed my opinion of me too. I no longer beat myself up. I may not be perfect but I’m trying I’m also more open to others. I used to be but then I got sick-etc.
Thank you for this. We may not get what we ask for but we get what we need. ❤️
You’re welcome
Thank you Briana, for your generosity and great insight. This message speaks directly to my tendency to assume “un-generously” when text messages or communication to my beloved go without reply for hours or receive one word responses. My immediate assumption is he is intentionally ignoring me. Of course, this causes all sorts of problems and my wounded ego creates hurtful stories in my head to support my negative assumptions. The reality is, he is really, really busy at work most days and really not ignoring me. My negative assumptions are symptoms of bigger issues, I realize, and perhaps by re-framing my thoughts and assuming generously about him I can get to the root of the real issues. It’s definitely worth a try.
I’d love to hear how it goes!
I’ve been doing this for many years, looking for the good in people and situations, and always encourage others to do likewise. It’s amazing what a difference it makes! Sure, I have been let down by others at times but even then I try to work out the situation with them and find clarity on how things actually happened, rather than just blame them for their ‘faults’. This way of acting has deepened many of my relationships and often resulted in a much increased awareness in others. I can recommend it!
Awesome.
Excellent blog post! Thanks 😊👍🏻🌀
You’re welcome.