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As a teenager I spent a lot of time in the tunnels of Boston’s subway system. They were brightly tiled in red, blue, green, and orange, and there was a smell that I’ll never forget – not terrible, not pleasant – that poured forth in gusts as a train approached. I sat on benches with my head down, doing homework or reading the liner notes of albums, and generally nobody bothered me.
Except the evangelists, that is. I was often told that I needed to accept Jesus as my lord and savior – or else burn in hell. One guy had a sandwich board that listed all the reasons you could go to hell – rock ’n’ roll, masturbation, homosexuality, fornication, socialism, feminism, atheism, etc. – and he liked to give me the stink eye as I walked by. Sometimes I’d run into the Hare Krishnas, who told me that my whole way of life was wrong and tried to get me to come to their temple. And at home, we were visited weekly by Jehovah’s Witnesses who were determined to win us over despite being told repeatedly that we already had a religion.
Religion felt like a heavy inheritance, and these exchanges made me averse to being told what to believe – so averse that I threw the baby out with the spiritual bathwater and turned my back on it altogether. Eventually I was able to recognize that the spiritual connection – which religion aims to facilitate – doesn’t require a religious structure, and it certainly doesn’t require dogma. But even years later, having studied yoga, qi gong, reiki, acupuncture, Daoism, and other practices that offer a non-dogmatic approach to spiritual enrichment, I still found it difficult to speak openly to students and patients about spirituality because I didn’t want to come across like those evangelists – pushy, judgmental, and condescending.
However, I had seen firsthand the positive impact of a spiritual practice – and it’s supported by scientific research: people with a spiritual practice tend to have less stress, greater resilience during challenging times, more positive engagement with community, better health, and a longer life. So, little by little, I began delicately broaching the subject. I touched on it in some articles, and then Briana and I covered it a bit more explicitly in the book The Well Life.
Meanwhile, I observed more and more cases where the presence of a spiritual practice was instrumental in a patient’s recovery. It would be untrue to say that people can’t be happy or can’t overcome challenges without a spiritual practice, but for those who find it difficult to achieve lasting happiness or who seem beset by one challenge after another, a spiritual practice often makes the difference. The same is often the case for those who feel their achievements are somehow hollow, or who constantly feel that something is missing – that emptiness may be the absence of a spiritual dimension, a means by which one’s individual pursuits are connected to the whole.
Finally, a few years ago, we decided to stop beating around the bush. We wrote a book called Rituals for Transformation – a 108-day process for awakening this dimension of your life. Briana doesn't really have any hang-ups around this topic, but I was a bit nervous about releasing it. Even though it’s not a religious book, I thought it might push some of those buttons. After all, religion has been not only a structure for spiritual connection, but also an instrument for political control, discrimination, and genocide – and these associations aren’t easily erased from our collective consciousness. But part of our aim with this book is to help people see that spirituality is the baby that many of us threw out because we didn’t resonate with the bathwater. Your spiritual life is yours to define, and spirituality is available to everyone – religious and nonreligious, theist and atheist.
When you have an experience of this dimension, whether through prayer or mindfulness or a spontaneous connection with nature that transcends everyday consciousness, it’s funny to consider that we talk about wanting to give a sliver of our lives to it, or that it’s “available” to us if we’d like some, like, “Sprinkles are available for your ice cream,” because the reality is that it’s always here, and it encompasses the whole of your life.
But a little is enough, so we were careful not to make Rituals for Transformation so ambitious as to be difficult to complete. I remember my first qi gong teacher explaining that although we were beginning with exercises that would only take 20 minutes of each day, the change in consciousness they’d produce would begin to spread into the rest of our lives. She was right – it wasn’t long before I started to be aware of my energy and below-the-surface interactions with the world, even when I was just walking down a street or eating or having a conversation.
I’d love to hear about your experience with religion and/or spirituality and how this practice has supported you – or, if you don’t have a spiritual practice, what has gotten in the way.
Be well,
Peter
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It was 1985, and just in time for puberty I got some good lessons on the power of Love. I learned that you don’t need money, that it don’t take fame, and furthermore, that you don’t need no credit card to ride this train. However, like pretty much everyone else, I still got stuck on the idea that Love is (1) what you’re obligated to feel for your family members, or (2) the fortuitous result of circumstances being just right.
Given that it’s pretty much the best feeling in the world and one of the prime motivators of human behavior, it’s unfortunate that we often tend to think of Love as an elusive thing. Something to be chased and held onto tightly, something that can be taken away. And, sadly, certainly not something we can experience at will.
Being immersed in a world in which the idea of looking for Love is so prevalent, it’s been hard to break myself of the habit of thinking this way. But I no longer believe it’s true.
About 15 years ago, I was at a meditation retreat, and every once in a while the facilitator would ask a question. No verbal response was required . . . the question was just meant to sink into the consciousness of the participants. One of the questions was, “What is your greatest power?” Whereas most of the questions spurred a stream of thoughts, and sometimes the hope that I had come up with the “right” answer, this one hit me differently. My mind didn’t have a chance because my heart answered immediately. It said, “Love.” And I had a sense that this wasn’t just my greatest power, it was our greatest power.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Why should I care about the realization that you say came out of your heart at some woo-woo meditation retreat? Speak for yourself – my greatest power is that I can shoot fire out of my eyes.” Yeah, yeah. I know what comes out of my heart isn’t as credible as a double blind study in a peer reviewed journal. And if you thought that was woo-woo, let me give you a little perspective. Part of my training in Chinese Medicine was to learn qigong – the art of perceiving, manipulating, and cultivating life energy (Qi). After years of playing with Qi, you don’t question it when your heart talks to you.
Anyway, I’m not asking you to take my word for it, but please hear me out. In the years since then, I’ve kept listening to my heart and I’ve learned a little about Love. I still have a ways to go in terms of living in accordance with what I’ve learned, but I know enough to point others in the right direction. So, here it is.
First, we think of Love way too much as a noun. And Huey Lewis, bless his heart, didn’t help break of this habit. We like to treat Love as a thing. To be deserved, to be earned, to be won, and to be lost.
Love can be a noun – in that it’s a quality of being – but in my experience, it has nothing to do with deserving or winning. Love just IS. Love is our native state. It’s who we are. We can pile on so many beliefs and affectations that we lose sight of it, but we can’t change this most fundamental fact. Our minds may get confused and put conditions upon Love. But Love is always there, within us, able to be accessed at any moment, even when it seems utterly far away.
Now for the verb form of Love. This is where our power comes in. To Love is what we were born to do. Love is an expansion. Love never excludes. And the more we embrace this notion, the richer our life becomes.
The function of a confused mind is to separate everything. When you have the honor of spending time with children you notice how they (especially the tiny ones) haven’t learned to separate everything into countless discrete entities. And when you really see this in them, it’s awesome. Not just because it’s so beautifully uncontrived, but because you know you used to be that way.
But we teach them to separate, with names and labels, and we place such importance on it that Love is a natural casualty of the process. With a million separate words and ideas, and billions of separate people, it’s understandable that we’d think that Love, too, is separate from us.
Maybe you use the word God for what I am calling Love, but I think we’re talking about the same thing, and the same sense of separation between God and themselves exists in the minds of most people who use the word God. When we believe that God, or Love, or whatever word you like, is something separate from us, it becomes a conditional thing in our lives. And we invent the conditions that preside over that relationship.
But, not only is Love not separate from us, Love itself is the mender of separation. Love fills in the gaps that create separation. Like a warm ocean waiting on the other side of the door, the moment we open the places we’ve restricted, Love rushes in, saturating all the parts of ourselves and the world that we haven’t accepted, and in so doing, unites what we tried to separate.
So, I urge you to Love as a verb. When we take deserving out of the equation, we’re suddenly surrounded by an infinite array of Love-worthy people, plants, animals, and stars. And also Love-worthy dirt, garbage, and smog, by the way.
Try silently saying “I Love you” to the person bagging your groceries, to the person who just cut you off and made you miss your exit, to the person on the tech support line who tells you, “I’m going to have you turn off your phone and then turn it back on. Maybe that will fix it.”
But don’t forget about the person whose body you’re renting. That character has been doing so much misguided stuff to get more Love, and all along you had the power to unleash it upon yourself. Go for it.
Love,
Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => When a physical gift is given, we see that the person who gives it technically loses something and the recipient gains it. So it’s natural that from witnessing the dynamic of physical giving, we’d conclude that this is how all giving and receiving operates. But the truth is usually the opposite.
Most of what we give is intangible. We give people our love, our hope, our admiration, our blessings ... and also our grievances, our scorn, our envy, even our condemnation. And the rules are quite different with these nonphysical offerings.
First, there’s no loss. Thus, the negative feelings we direct at our fellow humans don’t leave us in the process; instead we get to keep them, amplify them, and steep in them. It’s a bit like pooping in our own bathtub.
Luckily, the same is true of the virtuous gifts we offer. We don’t lose them because they don’t belong to the personality and body we call ME. These virtues are the inexhaustible Light of the Universe, the Divine Love that we are and which wants to be expressed through us. That’s my opinion anyway, and I believe that if you practice this, you, too, will experience it as true.
Second, the giver becomes the recipient. When we direct negative energy at others we are obligated to experience it ourselves. When we attack others with our thoughts, we attack ourselves. But again, this is also true of positive feelings, and they carry a much greater magnitude of power.
So, if you want more peace, lightness, clarity, strength, forgiveness, or love, give it abundantly to others. Maybe you’re thinking, “But I don’t have peace to give to others! That’s why I
want it.” But these virtues aren’t outside or separate from you. You wouldn’t exist without them. They are virtually everything that you are. If you can’t recognize this, it’s not your fault. It’s because, like most people, you have a survival-driven mind that has been trained to hyperfocus on danger, loss, and flaws. And without really understanding the consequences, you have habitually given that mind the majority of your attention. Fortunately, that attention can be shifted, and the mind can be disciplined and transcended.
Our virtues need only to be uncovered and shared. In fact, I would venture to say that we don’t truly know these beautiful truths until we offer them to others. In order to offer them, we must call them up within ourselves. Therefore, making such a gift is an affirmation that we do possess these qualities. As long as we’re reluctant to give them away (even to our enemies) we reinforce the belief that they’re limited, and that more for one means less for another. Giving them away instantly corrects this misperception. Try it. You’ll see.
I encourage you this holiday season (and forever) to do two things. First, make a practice of watching your mind throughout the day. When you catch yourself harboring negative thoughts, shift your attention to something else. Imagine you are in martial arts training and you need to develop laser-like focus. You have no use for mental pollution. Release it. If it helps, you can thank your mind for presenting you with its concerns, but reassure it that it no longer needs to police the world.
Second, give to others the virtues that you wish to receive. Start by silently offering peace or love, or light or vision to those who are closest to you. Notice what happens within yourself when you do this. Then try it with those in your broader community, including the strangers you see on the street and in stores. Then practice with those against whom you harbor grievances, including people you know personally as well as figures in the news and internet trolls. Then try it with the whole world.
We can awaken the planet to a new reality, starting with ourselves.
I offer you love, peace, and lightness,
Peter
[post_title] => DIY: Get what you REALLY want for Christmas
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As a teenager I spent a lot of time in the tunnels of Boston’s subway system. They were brightly tiled in red, blue, green, and orange, and there was a smell that I’ll never forget – not terrible, not pleasant – that poured forth in gusts as a train approached. I sat on benches with my head down, doing homework or reading the liner notes of albums, and generally nobody bothered me.
Except the evangelists, that is. I was often told that I needed to accept Jesus as my lord and savior – or else burn in hell. One guy had a sandwich board that listed all the reasons you could go to hell – rock ’n’ roll, masturbation, homosexuality, fornication, socialism, feminism, atheism, etc. – and he liked to give me the stink eye as I walked by. Sometimes I’d run into the Hare Krishnas, who told me that my whole way of life was wrong and tried to get me to come to their temple. And at home, we were visited weekly by Jehovah’s Witnesses who were determined to win us over despite being told repeatedly that we already had a religion.
Religion felt like a heavy inheritance, and these exchanges made me averse to being told what to believe – so averse that I threw the baby out with the spiritual bathwater and turned my back on it altogether. Eventually I was able to recognize that the spiritual connection – which religion aims to facilitate – doesn’t require a religious structure, and it certainly doesn’t require dogma. But even years later, having studied yoga, qi gong, reiki, acupuncture, Daoism, and other practices that offer a non-dogmatic approach to spiritual enrichment, I still found it difficult to speak openly to students and patients about spirituality because I didn’t want to come across like those evangelists – pushy, judgmental, and condescending.
However, I had seen firsthand the positive impact of a spiritual practice – and it’s supported by scientific research: people with a spiritual practice tend to have less stress, greater resilience during challenging times, more positive engagement with community, better health, and a longer life. So, little by little, I began delicately broaching the subject. I touched on it in some articles, and then Briana and I covered it a bit more explicitly in the book The Well Life.
Meanwhile, I observed more and more cases where the presence of a spiritual practice was instrumental in a patient’s recovery. It would be untrue to say that people can’t be happy or can’t overcome challenges without a spiritual practice, but for those who find it difficult to achieve lasting happiness or who seem beset by one challenge after another, a spiritual practice often makes the difference. The same is often the case for those who feel their achievements are somehow hollow, or who constantly feel that something is missing – that emptiness may be the absence of a spiritual dimension, a means by which one’s individual pursuits are connected to the whole.
Finally, a few years ago, we decided to stop beating around the bush. We wrote a book called Rituals for Transformation – a 108-day process for awakening this dimension of your life. Briana doesn't really have any hang-ups around this topic, but I was a bit nervous about releasing it. Even though it’s not a religious book, I thought it might push some of those buttons. After all, religion has been not only a structure for spiritual connection, but also an instrument for political control, discrimination, and genocide – and these associations aren’t easily erased from our collective consciousness. But part of our aim with this book is to help people see that spirituality is the baby that many of us threw out because we didn’t resonate with the bathwater. Your spiritual life is yours to define, and spirituality is available to everyone – religious and nonreligious, theist and atheist.
When you have an experience of this dimension, whether through prayer or mindfulness or a spontaneous connection with nature that transcends everyday consciousness, it’s funny to consider that we talk about wanting to give a sliver of our lives to it, or that it’s “available” to us if we’d like some, like, “Sprinkles are available for your ice cream,” because the reality is that it’s always here, and it encompasses the whole of your life.
But a little is enough, so we were careful not to make Rituals for Transformation so ambitious as to be difficult to complete. I remember my first qi gong teacher explaining that although we were beginning with exercises that would only take 20 minutes of each day, the change in consciousness they’d produce would begin to spread into the rest of our lives. She was right – it wasn’t long before I started to be aware of my energy and below-the-surface interactions with the world, even when I was just walking down a street or eating or having a conversation.
I’d love to hear about your experience with religion and/or spirituality and how this practice has supported you – or, if you don’t have a spiritual practice, what has gotten in the way.
Be well,
Peter
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This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing it, Peter. I appreciate it as a daughter and as a mother.
Blessings, Robin
Thanks, Robin. And you’re welcome.
Thank you, Robin. And you’re welcome.
Thanks so much for talking about this as sooooo many people deal with difficult feelings around not having happy maternal relationships. One thing I would add; when you mentioned that your mother gets to decide whether or not she will honor your requests to be treated differently and how, I think it’s important to note that YOU also get to decide what your boundaries are and if or how you want to continue to be in that relationship. While people may not ever be exactly who we wish they were, I’d encourage aiming for a goal of some semblance of healthier communication and mutual respect. Thanks again!
You’re welcome, Pamela. And I agree – you both get to decide. And you both have the power to change the nature of the relationship.
Be well.
Well said, I would add one thing….people who were adopted, who may not have ever met their birth mother or had someone who was not their biological mother care for them. Mothers come in many forms biological or otherwise!
Namaste
Thanks, Param. Good point. Namaste
Beautiful! Because my mother was cold and distant all of my life (not judging; that is how she is and that is okay by me) I was never actually able to receive mothering or support from anybody. It was a skill I lacked because I had no teacher. I believe that receiving nurturing is a skill that we can all learn. We can be nurtured at any age. And the more we allow ourselves to receive unhindered support (with no strings attached) the more we are able to freely give it to others. And speaking as a mother who began learning to BE nurtured AFTER having children, and learning how to be a nurturer from the ground up, I can confidently say the reverse is possible. That by giving out more supportive nurturing to others (no strings attached, and not in a codependent way) the more naturally you can start to receive nurturing support from others. And it never needs to be from your mother. It can be from anyone you love who loves and supports you, no strings attached. It is a skill we can learn at any age. And when we realize it, we are definitely going to be free.
Yes! Thanks for sharing your experience, Caitlin.
love this, thank you peter
You’re so welcome!
I loved when you stated “it’s possible that you and your mom were brought together because of the potential for YOU to help HER.” That feels empowering, that it’s not all one-way love. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Deb. I’m glad you see that as an empowering perspective.
Be well.