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[post_content] => Even though your grandma told you not to assume because it “makes an ass out of you and me,” assuming is part of life. In fact, if you avoided making assumptions, your life would come to a standstill.
Upon waking up in the morning you’d have to test the stability of the floor by dropping a large dumbbell on it, because you wouldn’t want to assume that it was still structurally sound. Something could have happened to it in the night. Nor would you want to assume that the air is safe to breathe, or that you’re a real human and not actually a robot, or that everyone hasn’t changed their name since yesterday. Without assuming, life would get very crazy very quickly.
If you were able to see the actual extent of your assumptions, it might be more than your mind could handle. But it’s likely that it would also be a profound revelation, because you would see that all these assumptions – and very little objective fact – comprise an enormous story about how life is and who you are.
That story could be one of unlimited potential and unrestrained play! More often, though, it’s a story of “life’s not fair,” and “it’s hard to make real change,” and “people are mean.”
While it’s simply a matter of sanity to assume that our environment is basically unchanged from day to day, it’s quite different to make assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, and motives or our own limitations. Yet, we do it all the time, and often we assume the worst.
When someone doesn’t communicate or act in the way we hope and expect, we might make an automatic assumption that it means they don’t like us or that they have ill intentions.
We rarely find out if our assumptions about other people are accurate, so we could just as easily assume generously. We can assume that people like us, that they’re kind, that they’re doing their best, and that they’re intrinsically noble.
What happens when we assume generously?
The two most significant shifts are:
(1) our story changes for the better
(2) we relate to the other party in a more constructive way
First, our story changes for the better. We may have challenges and others may be confused or even hurtful, but if our assumption is an overarching goodness, we have a lot more freedom in the matter (and so do they).
We’re able to see a bigger picture.
We don’t need to react.
We’re not the victim and our brothers and sisters aren’t villains.
Second, we relate to the other party in a more constructive way. When we assume someone has negative intentions, it’s easy to subtly (or not-so-subtly) contribute to an experience that seems to confirm this.
Through our energy, body language, and words, we convey our resistance to our assumption about them, and they respond to it. Sometimes it goes back and forth for days or weeks or years, until one person – maybe you – decides to cut through the bullshit and assume generously about them.
As soon as you make this choice, you begin listening differently (or listening at all!). You relate to others in a way that’s authentic and seeks harmony, and even calls forth their virtue.
This can snowball in the same way it does with negative assumptions, because seeing the other in a positive light requires tapping into your own virtue. You’re going beyond the drama and conflict and seeing with a higher form of vision.
Thus, your virtue calls forth their virtue, and their virtue inspires your virtue to come even more to the forefront. Soon you’re seeing the light in everyone and simultaneously basking in that light.
But, what if you’re wrong in your generous assumptions?
For the most part, it’s harmless.
You thought someone liked you but they don’t. You thought someone was helping but they weren’t. These incidents are going to be few and far between and you would have discovered the truth regardless of your perspective. In the meantime, though, you were re-scripting your own story of life, and this discovery needn’t invalidate it.
Of course, there’s a difference between having faith in the goodness of humanity and being naive or willfully ignorant. Regardless of someone’s intentions, if you’re actually being harmed in a relationship, don’t try to convince yourself that you should stick around and see their virtue.
Use your intuition and love yourself – and remove yourself from harm if necessary. But don’t let such experiences make you lose sight of the power to interpret events in a positive light, in a way that helps you learn and grow, or in a way that gives you greater clarity as to how you’d like to create your life differently from here on out.
So, here’s an experiment for you to try: for the rest of today, assume generously in every situation. This will require watching the assumptions you’re making – and that in itself can be an eye-opening and life-changing experience.
First, you’ll see what you’re usually assuming degrades your experience of life. Then you’ll have a chance to change your perspective. You don’t need to go to the opposite end of the spectrum (e.g., if someone spits on you, it might be a stretch to assume this is a subtle form of baptism in their culture).
Instead, try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Can you listen? Can you see beyond the surface, beyond your own snap judgement? What happens next? Share your experiences with me in the comments section below.
Love love love,
Briana
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[post_content] => There’s a well-known spiritual quote from philosopher and teacher Jiddhu Krishnamurti. The story goes that he was speaking to a group of students (who saw him as an enlightened master), and he whispered, “Do you want to know my secret?” At this, the room fell silent and everyone leaned forward. Then he continued, “I don’t mind what happens.”
What I like about this idea is that it’s simple; it speaks of a state of transcendence of the ego and unshakable peace. But as an expression of absolute spiritual truth, it also lends itself to spiritual bypassing and illusions about spirituality.
The tricky thing about Krishnamurti’s statement is that he was presumably speaking not from his ego but from an expanded state of consciousness, his higher Self. Thus, while not minding what happens was his outlook from this state, it’s not necessarily the path that got him there.
In Krishnamurti’s case, he went through a series of spontaneous, often painful experiences over many years that caused an opening of his consciousness. That’s not something we can replicate at will. So what can we garner from this “secret”?
It’s a good opening to a discussion on how we relate to absolute spiritual truths while existing in a world of relativity. Even among non-dual spiritual traditions (meaning, all the world is considered to be an expression of one great Being, and separation is an illusion), there is often a distinction made between the Source in an absolute sense (which is formless) and the many forms it takes in the relative world.
In the realm of the relative, which is where the majority of human minds dwell, relativity directs nearly every aspect of our lives. For instance, when we say something is good, we’re usually not coming from the experience that the universe is fundamentally Good, and therefore all of its expressions are imbued with that same essence of goodness. What we mean is that things are good relative to some other way they could be. Thus, we’re directed toward things that we perceive as better than our other options and away from things that seem worse. And absolute spiritual truths – like “the universe is fundamentally good” – are simply lofty concepts to most people. We do get glimpses of them though (as I’ve written about in my articles on “gaps” in the dominant egocentric state), and these often fuel a drive for spiritual awakening.
People who have gone through a certain form of spiritual awakening (what’s sometimes referred to as enlightenment, liberation, or moksha) often describe it as an experience of becoming perpetually conscious of the absolute. This doesn’t make the relative disappear, but the awareness of the undying oneness that unifies all apparent differences enables them to play in relativity without the “high stakes” feeling – and the anxiousness and drama that go with it – that most humans experience. This is why it’s referred to as liberation, which can be a very appealing notion to anyone who wants to be happy.
So, apparently from this state, Krishnamurti said, “I don’t mind what happens” because, in an absolute sense, nothing is ever wrong. Nor is there such a thing as tragedy or victory. To win a race just means one part of the Source crossed the finish line before another part of the same Source (or God beat God, if you prefer that name). Likewise, the death of any given expression of the Source is akin to a red blood cell dying and being recycled into a new blood cell; the Whole has lost nothing in the process.
It's important to recognize that an absolute spiritual truth is different from an uplifting life principle or a good piece of advice. If someone told you their “secret” is “Focus on the good” or “Don’t sweat the small stuff” or “Practice gratitude” or “Don’t take anything personally” you could immediately adopt it and start living it. But to a person who hasn’t realized and directly experienced it, an absolute truth isn’t actionable in the same way. And in relative terms, the absolute may make no sense at all.
Imagine that a dog is biting your leg and you think to yourself, “I’m going to be spiritual about this. What did Krishnamurti say? Oh yeah, I don’t mind what happens. I guess I’d better breathe through this. Whew, that’s a lot of blood. Do I just let him keep gnawing? I don’t mind. I don’t mind. I don’t mind. If I call 9-1-1, does that constitute “minding”?” I doubt many people would take an unrealized spiritual truth to this extent, but as you can imagine, it’s possible to get into some trouble this way.
Next week we’ll try to find the usefulness in statements of absolute truth and we’ll talk about what to do if you do mind what happens. Meanwhile, I always love to hear what readers think of these philosophical explorations.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Can We be Misguided by Spiritual Truths?
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[post_content] => January first may be a somewhat arbitrary date to divide the chapters of our lives, but there’s something to be said for joining the momentum of the mass consciousness focused on bettering ourselves. Sure, you can make new habits anytime, but there aren’t always millions of other people doing it at the same time.
That said, clearly the group trajectory isn’t enough to ensure your success. Plenty of people make and break resolutions every year, and while a few weeks (or days, as the case may be) of a healthy new habit is better than nothing, there’s also the toll of broken self-trust to consider.
If you’re going to make an agreement with yourself, it’s best to choose terms that you can fulfill, because a lack of self-trust is a serious impediment. You may think, “It just means I changed my mind about exercise and cookies,” but it has broader consequences in the bigger picture of your ability to choose and create the life you desire.
What I’m saying is, don’t do it unless you’re serious about it. And even if you are serious, I still recommend committing to just one thing. I know, I know, you can do lots of things. But I’m saying, just do one thing not only because it’s harder to keep multiple resolutions than it is to keep a single one, but also because it means that your focus and power won’t be divided (any more than they already are). Take on one thing and give all the “resolution energy” you’ve got to that one thing. Later you can add another thing.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m lowering the bar for you. I think people are capable of greatness far beyond their imagined limitations. But imagined limitations become actual limitations when we believe in them. In subtle ways we tend to sabotage ourselves, and one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage is crappy focus. We often simply don’t hold our attention on something for long enough to see it through.
Yes, there are some organic causes of impaired mental focus, but just because someone gets more done when they take an ADD drug (i.e., amphetamine), doesn’t prove that the cause was biological. In an age when we’re bombarded with a constant stream of data through multiple devices, an age with more options for distraction than ever before, we may be regularly making subconscious choices that reinforce a short attention span. Regardless of the cause, we can all improve our ability to focus simply by practicing it.
Let’s try a little exercise. It will only take one minute. Choose something small and natural in your environment to gaze at, like a candle flame, a leaf, a piece of food, or one of the lines on your palm. You’re going to spend just 60 seconds looking at it without taking your eyes or mind off it, and without thinking and mentally “talking” to yourself about what you’re looking at or anything else. Try it now, then come back.
How did it go? Were you able to do it for the whole minute? What did you notice? Was it squirmy? Was it relaxing? When I do this, I notice my breathing slows down significantly and I feel grounded. This shift may be partly due to looking at whatever I’m looking at, but I think the main reason it feels peaceful is because it’s a break from continuous mental chatter and shifting focus.
Back to resolutions, I encourage you to choose a single thing to commit to. Write down what exactly it means so that you’re clear about how to stay in the spirit of this commitment. Choose a time frame for the commitment; don’t make it open-ended because that implies forever. If you have a hard time with follow-through, you might want to start with a very short time frame, like one day. You can always re-up your commitment at the end of the period you choose.
Ensure that you don’t forget it by writing it down, setting reminder alarms for yourself, finding a partner to do this with, renting out billboard space along your commute . . . whatever it takes. Finally, as part of your commitment practice, set aside just 60 seconds every morning to sit and focus on the commitment, visualizing yourself embodying it.
Let us know how it goes.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => Even though your grandma told you not to assume because it “makes an ass out of you and me,” assuming is part of life. In fact, if you avoided making assumptions, your life would come to a standstill.
Upon waking up in the morning you’d have to test the stability of the floor by dropping a large dumbbell on it, because you wouldn’t want to assume that it was still structurally sound. Something could have happened to it in the night. Nor would you want to assume that the air is safe to breathe, or that you’re a real human and not actually a robot, or that everyone hasn’t changed their name since yesterday. Without assuming, life would get very crazy very quickly.
If you were able to see the actual extent of your assumptions, it might be more than your mind could handle. But it’s likely that it would also be a profound revelation, because you would see that all these assumptions – and very little objective fact – comprise an enormous story about how life is and who you are.
That story could be one of unlimited potential and unrestrained play! More often, though, it’s a story of “life’s not fair,” and “it’s hard to make real change,” and “people are mean.”
While it’s simply a matter of sanity to assume that our environment is basically unchanged from day to day, it’s quite different to make assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, and motives or our own limitations. Yet, we do it all the time, and often we assume the worst.
When someone doesn’t communicate or act in the way we hope and expect, we might make an automatic assumption that it means they don’t like us or that they have ill intentions.
We rarely find out if our assumptions about other people are accurate, so we could just as easily assume generously. We can assume that people like us, that they’re kind, that they’re doing their best, and that they’re intrinsically noble.
What happens when we assume generously?
The two most significant shifts are:
(1) our story changes for the better
(2) we relate to the other party in a more constructive way
First, our story changes for the better. We may have challenges and others may be confused or even hurtful, but if our assumption is an overarching goodness, we have a lot more freedom in the matter (and so do they).
We’re able to see a bigger picture.
We don’t need to react.
We’re not the victim and our brothers and sisters aren’t villains.
Second, we relate to the other party in a more constructive way. When we assume someone has negative intentions, it’s easy to subtly (or not-so-subtly) contribute to an experience that seems to confirm this.
Through our energy, body language, and words, we convey our resistance to our assumption about them, and they respond to it. Sometimes it goes back and forth for days or weeks or years, until one person – maybe you – decides to cut through the bullshit and assume generously about them.
As soon as you make this choice, you begin listening differently (or listening at all!). You relate to others in a way that’s authentic and seeks harmony, and even calls forth their virtue.
This can snowball in the same way it does with negative assumptions, because seeing the other in a positive light requires tapping into your own virtue. You’re going beyond the drama and conflict and seeing with a higher form of vision.
Thus, your virtue calls forth their virtue, and their virtue inspires your virtue to come even more to the forefront. Soon you’re seeing the light in everyone and simultaneously basking in that light.
But, what if you’re wrong in your generous assumptions?
For the most part, it’s harmless.
You thought someone liked you but they don’t. You thought someone was helping but they weren’t. These incidents are going to be few and far between and you would have discovered the truth regardless of your perspective. In the meantime, though, you were re-scripting your own story of life, and this discovery needn’t invalidate it.
Of course, there’s a difference between having faith in the goodness of humanity and being naive or willfully ignorant. Regardless of someone’s intentions, if you’re actually being harmed in a relationship, don’t try to convince yourself that you should stick around and see their virtue.
Use your intuition and love yourself – and remove yourself from harm if necessary. But don’t let such experiences make you lose sight of the power to interpret events in a positive light, in a way that helps you learn and grow, or in a way that gives you greater clarity as to how you’d like to create your life differently from here on out.
So, here’s an experiment for you to try: for the rest of today, assume generously in every situation. This will require watching the assumptions you’re making – and that in itself can be an eye-opening and life-changing experience.
First, you’ll see what you’re usually assuming degrades your experience of life. Then you’ll have a chance to change your perspective. You don’t need to go to the opposite end of the spectrum (e.g., if someone spits on you, it might be a stretch to assume this is a subtle form of baptism in their culture).
Instead, try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Can you listen? Can you see beyond the surface, beyond your own snap judgement? What happens next? Share your experiences with me in the comments section below.
Love love love,
Briana
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