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Later this week Briana and I will be hosting the Illuminator Training – part of Dragontree Life Coaching Program – and we’ll spend four days in a very special space. It’s going to be at our house, and while I think our house is a special physical space, the space I’m talking about here is something different. I really mean that we’ll be in a special state of consciousness – one in which people feel safe to really see themselves and others, to be in loving community, to learn and heal.
I am both proud and humbled to co-create such a space. When I write or talk about it, it’s hard not to feel I’m exaggerating; so much positive change occurs in such a short time. For me, it reinforces the value of what we teach in the course – primarily the value of holding space.
The first handful of times I heard the term “hold space” I regarded it as New Age jargon and didn’t give it serious consideration. Once I was 20-something at a big dance event and the movie Baraka was being projected onto the walls. Amidst beautiful, sometimes haunting imagery, we were taken to an egg factory. There were conveyor belts and metal chutes along which were tumbling thousands and thousands of fuzzy yellow chicks. Attendants casually pulled them out by a wing and then tossed half of them (the males) down a giant funnel (into a grinder). The remainder were de-beaked, and in the next scene they were sickly and missing feathers, crammed into stacks upon stacks of wire cages.
There was a sudden collective moan of sorrow through the crowd. Someone shouted, “Breathe! Hold space for them!” And I thought, “What does that even mean?”
Well, now I know what it means and I think it was good advice – not just to hold space for the chicks, but to hold space for everyone involved. I also think that the term “hold space” is perfect for describing this practice. It’s an art, really. It comes naturally to some people but not most, and many gifted healers, teachers, and guides are skilled at it even if they’ve never heard the term.
Holding space has a few meanings for me. First, it means to become a neutral, benevolent container for what’s happening. That is, hold this moment in your awareness – ideally until some resolution or balance has developed. This entails giving your attention to what’s happening right here, right now and supporting its natural unfoldment.
When we’re holding space, we’re not trying to diagnose, fix anything, or come up with the answer. We’re not trying to be impressive or spiritual, and we’re not hoping to get approval. And we’re not departing from the task at hand to meander into the forest of our own thoughts.
Second, holding space means focusing on and protecting the space itself – maintaining an opening. By space here, I mean the formless consciousness that is the Universe – the matrix from which all objects (things, feelings, ideas) arise. You could also call it God or Undifferentiated Awareness or Spirit. It’s the bulk of the iceberg of reality, while the stuff that tends to get 99.9% of our attention is the very tip. Because space is more ethereal than form, it not only surrounds everything, but also exists within everything.
When we happen upon a moment when our consciousness is on the space (rather than engrossed in its contents), it usually feels good – our stories fall away and we expand into that space (because we are the space!). But the ego doesn’t like it. “Hey! Don’t forget about me!” it yells. “Come back! I’ve got some juicy gossip and some intense fears and a long list of grievances with the world!”
It seems crazy to go back to that – a reality marked largely by conflict and resistance – but we all do it. The ego is hooked up our survival mechanisms and it’s able to produce some compelling thoughts and feelings which shrink our consciousness like a turtle pulling into its shell. “It’s smelly and dark and crowded in here,” some part of us registers, “but it’s familiar.”
So, holding space in the second sense means maintaining the space – staying expanded, bringing in and honoring Spirit. We prevent encroachment upon or eclipsing of that space mainly by abstaining from the compulsion to fill it up with our stuff.
In the case of the chicken scene, it would have been a difficult setting in which to hold space for all the layers needing illumination (from the suffering of innocent creatures, to the knowing that we are complicit in this if we buy chicken, eggs, or pet food, and so on). But there are opportunities for space-holding all the time, and I see the magic of it so clearly at these Illuminator trainings – the magic of a whole room of coaches holding space for one individual to see themselves, heal, and blossom.
Holding space isn’t just for a formal coach-client or healer-patient setting, it’s a practice by which the mundane becomes holy, and we can do it all the time. At first (and sometimes later) it can feel like hard work. It takes discipline to stop thinking and to instead hold your attention on the Now. It takes trust to not intervene or analyze. But it’s deeply rewarding.
When you hold space for someone, even if they don’t know what you’re doing, they tend to experience that spaciousness. There’s more space between their thoughts. There’s a broadening of perspective and they access their resources. They begin to open and heal. Your space-holding is like a bridge that helps them connect with their Higher Self.
You can hold space for anything, for any and every moment. Things that are naturally riveting – like a baby being born – can be easier to hold space for because they’re so uncommon and so obviously miraculous. However, there’s much to be learned and experienced through holding space for the “everyday” – for the blowing of a tree in the breeze, for the dripping of a water faucet, for the barking of a dog. One of the most fundamental yet profound meditative practices is to simply hold space for your own breath. Let’s both hold space for whatever is happening right now for the next thirty seconds.
Mmmm. That was good. It reminded me of something I wanted to tell you: thinking is optional. I know we all have times when we can’t seem to turn off our mind, but just as you can stop talking aloud, you can stop talking inside. It’s an expression of reverence for the space to take a break from talking once in a while.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => Anniversaries have been coming up a lot recently. Besides The Dragontree’s anniversary this month and my upcoming wedding anniversary, numerous friends are experiencing the anniversaries of both happy and sad occasions – quitting booze, a parent passing away, moving to their dream location, having children, beginning a new job, and more. It’s fascinating that as the time of year of a significant past event approaches, the emotions of that event come back to us, even without our consciously bringing it to mind. Sometimes an event that lasted ten minutes affects us for a whole month, every year.
The important happenings usually occur without any intention of the groove they’ll cut in our calendar and the resonance they’ll spread into future years. But what would happen if we deliberately created anniversary-worthy events for the specific purpose of instilling our future with the positive echoes of these events?
I encourage you to participate in this experiment with me.
- Choose a date. Mark it on your calendar.
- Plan something special for that day. It could be some sort of ritual, the beginning of a new chapter in your life, a commitment to yourself or someone else, or simply the most fun day ever.
- Spend several days in advance actively looking forward to it.
- On the chosen day, repeatedly anchor the event in the seasonal cues around you by paying attention to things like the look of landscape, the angle of the sun in the sky, and the feel of the air.
- Make the whole day about the planned event. Repeatedly state your gladness about this special day and what it represents.
- Activate your mental “save button” by looking for positive moments and intending that they be stored in your consciousness. Imagine you’re crystalizing this positivity within yourself as you express your gratitude.
- Before going to bed, write about your day. Tell yourself happily, “I’ll never forget this day.”
- Next year – and every year – remember this day.
As I wrote this, I realized the whole thing might feel contrived. It’s the spontaneous powerful events that really matter, right? Well, that’s what we tell ourselves. We tend to believe that life’s magical moments can’t be called up at will. But who’s in charge of our experience, anyway? Why wait and hope for good things?
Why not practice creating our own magic and see what happens? I believe that the more we consciously forge positive experiences and intentionally anchor ourselves in them, the more authentic they will come to feel, and over time we will shift our everyday consciousness in a sweet and lasting way.
Meet you next year for the commemoration of what you’re about to do,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => An Experiment in Shaping Life
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Happy New Year! I hope that your 2014 is everything you want it to be and that you reach all of the goals that you set for yourself. It’s exhilarating to get a fresh year to create some amazing things, but often around the end of January we start feeling like it’d be easier just to give up, quit trying, and eat a dozen doughnuts.
We all go through this. You have an idea that you are passionate about and it’s so exciting at first. You make lists, talk to your friends about it, and possibly buy the gear (computer, running shoes, organizational tools) to do it. But then the work part comes – and it isn’t always easy.
But this isn’t the side of things that people talk much about this time of year. Right now is all about setting goals and intentions for your New Year. But, what good is setting goals if you don’t achieve them? I want to help you work through the hard part, the time when you stop caring, the time when your faith in your project has waned, the time when it just isn’t easy. Because when you work through the difficult parts, the real treasure is on the other side.
I would love to tell you that if you do what you love, every moment will feel blissfully effortless. If it were true, I would sing it from the mountain tops. But it’s not and that doesn’t mean anything about whether you should continue on the path or not. Just because you stop “feeling like it” in the moment, doesn’t mean you should stop. There are moments when everyone doesn’t feel like it any more, that’s because we’re human. We start to feel self doubt, tired, distracted. You are not alone in this.
Don’t quit on your dreams. – tweet it.
First, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn’t reach this goal. At the end of your life, if you looked back, would you regret not going for it? Or would you really not care? This is a great barometer of whether you should push through. Often it’s just self doubt that is standing in our way, but sometimes we truly don’t want the goal anymore. If it’s the latter – then by all means quit now and move on.
If you would be disappointed to not have at least given it all you got, then try these four steps:
- Take a break. Go do something completely unrelated. Move your body, get out in nature, go out with friends, get a massage. Give your project and yourself a little room to breathe.
- Reconnect to the reason that you wanted to do this in the first place. Did you want to be healthier, travel more, spend more time with your family, serve your community? Whatever the impetus was to creating this goal, put it front and center. Write it out and keep it in a place that you can see it daily.
- Get social accountability. Ask a friend to hold you accountable, or let the world know what you’re up to. It’s way harder to tell other people that we didn’t actually do the work, we quit, we gave up, then it is for us to just know this ourselves.
- Bring more joy. There is always the opportunity to infuse lightness and fun into every moment. Challenge yourself to see exactly how ridiculously awesome you can make it.
You can totally do it! When you’re in the depths of the work, be gentle yet firm with yourself and continue to move forward.
What are your goals and why? Write them in the comments below and then revisit them if you lose your gusto to get them.
It’s 2014, let’s do this!
Love,
Briana Borten and everyone at The Dragontree
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Later this week Briana and I will be hosting the Illuminator Training – part of Dragontree Life Coaching Program – and we’ll spend four days in a very special space. It’s going to be at our house, and while I think our house is a special physical space, the space I’m talking about here is something different. I really mean that we’ll be in a special state of consciousness – one in which people feel safe to really see themselves and others, to be in loving community, to learn and heal.
I am both proud and humbled to co-create such a space. When I write or talk about it, it’s hard not to feel I’m exaggerating; so much positive change occurs in such a short time. For me, it reinforces the value of what we teach in the course – primarily the value of holding space.
The first handful of times I heard the term “hold space” I regarded it as New Age jargon and didn’t give it serious consideration. Once I was 20-something at a big dance event and the movie Baraka was being projected onto the walls. Amidst beautiful, sometimes haunting imagery, we were taken to an egg factory. There were conveyor belts and metal chutes along which were tumbling thousands and thousands of fuzzy yellow chicks. Attendants casually pulled them out by a wing and then tossed half of them (the males) down a giant funnel (into a grinder). The remainder were de-beaked, and in the next scene they were sickly and missing feathers, crammed into stacks upon stacks of wire cages.
There was a sudden collective moan of sorrow through the crowd. Someone shouted, “Breathe! Hold space for them!” And I thought, “What does that even mean?”
Well, now I know what it means and I think it was good advice – not just to hold space for the chicks, but to hold space for everyone involved. I also think that the term “hold space” is perfect for describing this practice. It’s an art, really. It comes naturally to some people but not most, and many gifted healers, teachers, and guides are skilled at it even if they’ve never heard the term.
Holding space has a few meanings for me. First, it means to become a neutral, benevolent container for what’s happening. That is, hold this moment in your awareness – ideally until some resolution or balance has developed. This entails giving your attention to what’s happening right here, right now and supporting its natural unfoldment.
When we’re holding space, we’re not trying to diagnose, fix anything, or come up with the answer. We’re not trying to be impressive or spiritual, and we’re not hoping to get approval. And we’re not departing from the task at hand to meander into the forest of our own thoughts.
Second, holding space means focusing on and protecting the space itself – maintaining an opening. By space here, I mean the formless consciousness that is the Universe – the matrix from which all objects (things, feelings, ideas) arise. You could also call it God or Undifferentiated Awareness or Spirit. It’s the bulk of the iceberg of reality, while the stuff that tends to get 99.9% of our attention is the very tip. Because space is more ethereal than form, it not only surrounds everything, but also exists within everything.
When we happen upon a moment when our consciousness is on the space (rather than engrossed in its contents), it usually feels good – our stories fall away and we expand into that space (because we are the space!). But the ego doesn’t like it. “Hey! Don’t forget about me!” it yells. “Come back! I’ve got some juicy gossip and some intense fears and a long list of grievances with the world!”
It seems crazy to go back to that – a reality marked largely by conflict and resistance – but we all do it. The ego is hooked up our survival mechanisms and it’s able to produce some compelling thoughts and feelings which shrink our consciousness like a turtle pulling into its shell. “It’s smelly and dark and crowded in here,” some part of us registers, “but it’s familiar.”
So, holding space in the second sense means maintaining the space – staying expanded, bringing in and honoring Spirit. We prevent encroachment upon or eclipsing of that space mainly by abstaining from the compulsion to fill it up with our stuff.
In the case of the chicken scene, it would have been a difficult setting in which to hold space for all the layers needing illumination (from the suffering of innocent creatures, to the knowing that we are complicit in this if we buy chicken, eggs, or pet food, and so on). But there are opportunities for space-holding all the time, and I see the magic of it so clearly at these Illuminator trainings – the magic of a whole room of coaches holding space for one individual to see themselves, heal, and blossom.
Holding space isn’t just for a formal coach-client or healer-patient setting, it’s a practice by which the mundane becomes holy, and we can do it all the time. At first (and sometimes later) it can feel like hard work. It takes discipline to stop thinking and to instead hold your attention on the Now. It takes trust to not intervene or analyze. But it’s deeply rewarding.
When you hold space for someone, even if they don’t know what you’re doing, they tend to experience that spaciousness. There’s more space between their thoughts. There’s a broadening of perspective and they access their resources. They begin to open and heal. Your space-holding is like a bridge that helps them connect with their Higher Self.
You can hold space for anything, for any and every moment. Things that are naturally riveting – like a baby being born – can be easier to hold space for because they’re so uncommon and so obviously miraculous. However, there’s much to be learned and experienced through holding space for the “everyday” – for the blowing of a tree in the breeze, for the dripping of a water faucet, for the barking of a dog. One of the most fundamental yet profound meditative practices is to simply hold space for your own breath. Let’s both hold space for whatever is happening right now for the next thirty seconds.
Mmmm. That was good. It reminded me of something I wanted to tell you: thinking is optional. I know we all have times when we can’t seem to turn off our mind, but just as you can stop talking aloud, you can stop talking inside. It’s an expression of reverence for the space to take a break from talking once in a while.
Be well,
Peter
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Our Pearl Street location saw mass destruction all around us in the Boulder flood. More recently, our Northwest Portland location experienced loads of flooding. We have seen teams of people in our community (and our staff!) join forces to help others bail water, sling mud, rip up carpet, and more.