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In my early 20s I had a boss who would ask me every morning, “How goes the battle?” I had never heard that expression before, but recognized that he meant, “How’s it going?” At the time I was learning about neuro-linguistic programming and becoming attuned to people’s word choices, so it struck me as an interesting – and loaded – phrase. Then I began to notice how common it is for people to characterize life as a fight – an ongoing series of conflicts, something we need to slog through, with a risk of imminent danger and an us-versus-them mentality.
Even if we see ourselves as winning the battle, if we hold this perspective, there’s still a chance of getting ambushed, right up to the last minute. So, we must always have our guard up, sleep with one eye open, check our drink for poison, and so on. It causes chronic stress, and we’re never entirely free.
Meanwhile, there are people who see life in a more positive light – as a game, a gift, an opportunity to explore, connect, experience, and be of service. Are they naïve? Are they less successful? Are they blindsided by the unexpected? I don’t believe so. If anything, because their perspective isn’t innately stress-inducing, they have greater resources for adapting to whatever comes.
I encourage you to examine your relationship with the world. How would you sum up your story? What kind of words do you use, both to others and yourself, when you talk and think about your challenges and ambitions? How do you feel about others aiming for the same goals as you? What sorts of bodily feelings go along with this? For extra support in re-wiring yourself, check out our workbook, Freedom, and try doing it for a month.
If you do find that you’re harboring a “battle” mentality, I wonder if it’s possible for you to symbolically wave the white flag, saying to the world (and yourself), “I’m not at war with you.” I know the stakes feel very high sometimes, but what if. . . (1) you could clearly see that being in ongoing conflict is more detrimental than it is beneficial to you, and (2) you had an unwavering link to something you could trust, an assurance that you are fundamentally okay, no matter what.
We often speak of rousing our inner warrior and the term “warrior” comes up a lot in self-help books. The warrior archetype is deep in our collective consciousness. Everyone knows it. And there’s a good side to it. Often, we evoke the warrior archetype when we wish to inspire ourselves to be clear, sharp, and disciplined, to stand up for our values, to protect those in need, to be brave, to have integrity and honor. But the other side of being a warrior is, of course, that you’re at war.
How can we embody these virtues without the sense of perpetual conflict? We live according to archetypes all the time – father, mother, husband, wife, cop, healer, good guy, bad guy, peacekeeper, curmudgeon, artist – mostly without realizing it. The first step is to become aware of the archetypes we’re subconsciously abiding by. Just making it conscious starts the process of releasing us from an archetype’s limitations.
Second, we can begin to forge a picture of something better and freer than any single archetype – our own Highest Self. Who would you be if you were clear, lighthearted, determined, loving, creative, peaceful, spiritual, purposeful, artful, present, honest, forgiving, kind, and brave?
Contrary to what your mind might say, that’s not too many virtues for one person to possess. You’re already somewhere on the spectrum of embodying every one of them. Whatever you dub this most-evolved you – Highest Self, Noble Leader, Queen/King, Divine Being, etc. – know that this is something you can freely choose at any moment.
Spend some time visualizing and feeling into this Highest Self. Imagine that she/he is just waiting for permission to step into the driver’s seat. When your small mind takes over and your habits run you, the Highest Self is nudged into the backseat. It may take some conscious surrender to let go of your default program and allow the better You to be in charge.
Another visualization you might find useful is to see yourself in the center of a circle of many different versions of yourself – all the possible ways you could be. Look around and see if you can spot the one that is the clearest, highest expression of your virtuous essence. Make a choice, and step into that Self. Try doing this every morning for a week and see what changes.
Be well,
Peter
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Today is Giving Tuesday, a global day to come together to support the causes and organizations we care about.
The Dragontree values it's clients and the community that supports us all, and we believe that global change starts with community contribution.
Personally, we believe there's merit in anonymous charity - that way you know you're not doing it for status or recognition, and there's no bond of debt between the giver and the receiver. However, we've decided it's worthwhile to explain how we give as an organization so that our clients can see where some of their money goes, and more importantly, so that we can vocally advocate for GIVING and hopefully inspire you to do the same
.
We believe that each individual, every being, and the earth itself deserves love and care and we've dedicated ourselves and our business to that end.
We start by shopping locally: Whenever possible we utilize local businesses and locally-made products. This minimizes the resources and environmental impact of shipping and maximizes the amount of money that feeds our own community.
We reduce, reuse, and recycle: Used oil from shirodhara and other oil-based treatments we provide is donated to our local bio-diesel company, so they can turn the oil into useable fuel. We are continually looking for ways to reduce resource and energy consumption. We procure supplies with minimal packaging and maximum post-consumer content. And we reuse and recycle and compost as much as possible.
We donate: Every year we give away thousands of dollars in spa services and our Apothecary products to support nonprofits and charities. We also gather donation items, volunteer our time, and participate with the communities of these nonprofit organizations to help them find relaxation and peace so they can continue to do their incredible work. Our company partners with charities that are doing good in our communities such as Friendly House and Emergency Family Assistance. We volunteer our time to help them succeed in their work, and we support our employees as they do the same with the causes that they value.
We raise funds for meaningful causes: This year we donated all of the profits from the launch the Dragontree Life Coaching Program to The Well Life Foundation. The Well Life Foundation is a nonprofit organization we founded to help low-income women break the poverty cycle by providing the means to build fulfilling and sustainable careers in life coaching; and to fund community-based projects that help women in difficult transitions when and where they need it most.
On this Giving Tuesday, we encourage you to take 3 actions to support the causes you care about.
You might:
♡ Donate money or items
♡ Share the cause or organization on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter
♡ Share the story of why you care
♡ Volunteer your time
♡ Encourage others to give or volunteer
♡ Anything else that supports your organization or cause
What will you give today?
Love,
Peter and Briana and Everyone at The Dragontree
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There’s so much talk in the natural health world about ways to cleanse our bodies, but so little about how to cleanse our minds. I’d suggest that most of us need more of the latter than the former. We recently ran our Rituals for Living program, in which we offered daily recommendations for mind and body wellness, and one of the prescriptions was to forgive someone. A subscriber wrote us to ask, essentially, “But how? How do you forgive someone who did something that feels unforgiveable?” In responding to her, it occurred to me that I’ve had this conversation with dozens of patients over the years, and that perhaps by turning it into an article, more people could benefit from it. So, here it is, the most fundamental step to cleansing the mind: Forgiveness.
1. Recognize that most people are just confused children (or at least we can be when we're emotional). Our bodies have gotten bigger and older looking, but inside we're the same consciousness we've always been, still looking to get our needs met, still wanting everyone's approval, still perhaps wanting to cause hurt when we get hurt, and just trying our best to make things work using the tools we have.
In the process, we often cause pain for others. If you’ve been on the receiving end, it may be worth considering that the perpetrator of the hurt was acting out of confusion: not really understanding that they could get their needs met without hurting someone else, not really understanding the impact of their actions, not really conscious of the love that's always available to them, and not really understanding their connectedness to you. This may not make their actions okay for you, but hopefully it makes forgiveness more of an option.
2. Consider that lifelong punishment may be unreasonable. If it's your intention to withhold forgiveness of someone (possibly yourself) for the rest of your life, maybe this qualifies as "cruel and unusual." It's a uniquely human thing to hold a grudge and never let it go. If a baby lion gets too rough with its mom, it gets a swat and then it's over with. Humans, on the other hand, like to stay mad at each other for a long, long time, and it's unnatural. Have your reaction - really have it - accept it, and be done with it.
3. View forgiveness as something we do for ourselves as much as for the other person. When we withhold forgiveness of others we basically take on the job of administering an ongoing punishment, so we're playing warden in the mental prison we're keeping them in, and it demands energy and mental "bandwidth." Do we really want to give our energy and peace of mind away to the very person we believe wronged us? Does corrupting our peace and restricting our inner freedom make the situation better in any way?
Resentment is an emotional poison in our system. Even if we don’t want to do anything nice for the person we’ve been resenting, for our own sake we need to get that poison out. The nice part is that it will bring us immediate relief. We get to quit that warden job and detox from the poison in the same act.
4. See forgiveness not as a single act, but as an ongoing commitment. Often, it's not possible for us to just pronounce someone forgiven and have that be the end of it. Instead, we might need to make a commitment with ourselves that from now on we’re going to recognize any time we’re harboring resentment toward them and let it go. And every time we notice that we’ve picked it back up, we’re going to let it go again. We’re not going to analyze why we picked it up again, we’re not going to scold ourselves for having picked it up again, and we’re not going to indulge in the resentment again. We’re just going to drop it (forgive them again) as efficiently as possible. And we’ll immediately feel lighter.
5. If you feel so emotional that forgiveness seems impossible, choose anger over despair. As soon as you have enough distance from the situation to wonder, “What do I do with this intense emotion I’m carrying around?” remember that anger can more easily be transformed into action and determination than hurt and sadness can. So, find the part of you that is angry about whatever happened.
This adversarial part of you insists to yourself (and probably others) that someone did something wrong. That something shouldn’t have happened that did happen. And simultaneously, that we, from our current perspective, are right about this. Perhaps you build your case in the shower and while driving.
The thing is, when we’re stuck in being right, we block our movement forward in life. We diminish our own perspective. We keep ourselves from seeing the big picture of what will get us most efficiently to a life of happiness and fulfillment.
You can hang out in this “he/she was wrong to do this” place forever, but if this is about something someone did to you, in a way they’re still sticking it to you as long as you live in this mindset. As long as you continue to sideline your life and happiness for this mental argument, they’re still hurting you. As long as you replay these conversations and events, you reopen your own wound.
The river of life continues to flow, but you're clinging to a rock called "This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen.” The silly part is that you're not really stuck in a fight. The whole one-sided thing is happening in your mind, where it’s only you who continues to get punished. You who pretends that there’s value in carrying on with it, sorting it out, perpetuating a fight that the other party isn’t present for, corrupting your own happiness and potential, corrupting the quality of presence you have with others, and investing energy into something that will never give you back anything.
If the best you can muster is anger and the desire to cause hurt, then the ideal way to stick it to the other person would be to not let him have any more of your soul than you’ve already given; instead, pull back all the energy you're giving them - divesting completely. Forgive completely so that they don't get the tiniest bit of your consciousness anymore. Eventually the need to withdraw your energy will be replaced with a more equanimous neutrality.
Let me know what happens. I love hearing about people’s struggles and triumphs with forgiveness.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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In my early 20s I had a boss who would ask me every morning, “How goes the battle?” I had never heard that expression before, but recognized that he meant, “How’s it going?” At the time I was learning about neuro-linguistic programming and becoming attuned to people’s word choices, so it struck me as an interesting – and loaded – phrase. Then I began to notice how common it is for people to characterize life as a fight – an ongoing series of conflicts, something we need to slog through, with a risk of imminent danger and an us-versus-them mentality.
Even if we see ourselves as winning the battle, if we hold this perspective, there’s still a chance of getting ambushed, right up to the last minute. So, we must always have our guard up, sleep with one eye open, check our drink for poison, and so on. It causes chronic stress, and we’re never entirely free.
Meanwhile, there are people who see life in a more positive light – as a game, a gift, an opportunity to explore, connect, experience, and be of service. Are they naïve? Are they less successful? Are they blindsided by the unexpected? I don’t believe so. If anything, because their perspective isn’t innately stress-inducing, they have greater resources for adapting to whatever comes.
I encourage you to examine your relationship with the world. How would you sum up your story? What kind of words do you use, both to others and yourself, when you talk and think about your challenges and ambitions? How do you feel about others aiming for the same goals as you? What sorts of bodily feelings go along with this? For extra support in re-wiring yourself, check out our workbook, Freedom, and try doing it for a month.
If you do find that you’re harboring a “battle” mentality, I wonder if it’s possible for you to symbolically wave the white flag, saying to the world (and yourself), “I’m not at war with you.” I know the stakes feel very high sometimes, but what if. . . (1) you could clearly see that being in ongoing conflict is more detrimental than it is beneficial to you, and (2) you had an unwavering link to something you could trust, an assurance that you are fundamentally okay, no matter what.
We often speak of rousing our inner warrior and the term “warrior” comes up a lot in self-help books. The warrior archetype is deep in our collective consciousness. Everyone knows it. And there’s a good side to it. Often, we evoke the warrior archetype when we wish to inspire ourselves to be clear, sharp, and disciplined, to stand up for our values, to protect those in need, to be brave, to have integrity and honor. But the other side of being a warrior is, of course, that you’re at war.
How can we embody these virtues without the sense of perpetual conflict? We live according to archetypes all the time – father, mother, husband, wife, cop, healer, good guy, bad guy, peacekeeper, curmudgeon, artist – mostly without realizing it. The first step is to become aware of the archetypes we’re subconsciously abiding by. Just making it conscious starts the process of releasing us from an archetype’s limitations.
Second, we can begin to forge a picture of something better and freer than any single archetype – our own Highest Self. Who would you be if you were clear, lighthearted, determined, loving, creative, peaceful, spiritual, purposeful, artful, present, honest, forgiving, kind, and brave?
Contrary to what your mind might say, that’s not too many virtues for one person to possess. You’re already somewhere on the spectrum of embodying every one of them. Whatever you dub this most-evolved you – Highest Self, Noble Leader, Queen/King, Divine Being, etc. – know that this is something you can freely choose at any moment.
Spend some time visualizing and feeling into this Highest Self. Imagine that she/he is just waiting for permission to step into the driver’s seat. When your small mind takes over and your habits run you, the Highest Self is nudged into the backseat. It may take some conscious surrender to let go of your default program and allow the better You to be in charge.
Another visualization you might find useful is to see yourself in the center of a circle of many different versions of yourself – all the possible ways you could be. Look around and see if you can spot the one that is the clearest, highest expression of your virtuous essence. Make a choice, and step into that Self. Try doing this every morning for a week and see what changes.
Be well,
Peter
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This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing it, Peter. I appreciate it as a daughter and as a mother.
Blessings, Robin
Thanks, Robin. And you’re welcome.
Thank you, Robin. And you’re welcome.
Thanks so much for talking about this as sooooo many people deal with difficult feelings around not having happy maternal relationships. One thing I would add; when you mentioned that your mother gets to decide whether or not she will honor your requests to be treated differently and how, I think it’s important to note that YOU also get to decide what your boundaries are and if or how you want to continue to be in that relationship. While people may not ever be exactly who we wish they were, I’d encourage aiming for a goal of some semblance of healthier communication and mutual respect. Thanks again!
You’re welcome, Pamela. And I agree – you both get to decide. And you both have the power to change the nature of the relationship.
Be well.
Well said, I would add one thing….people who were adopted, who may not have ever met their birth mother or had someone who was not their biological mother care for them. Mothers come in many forms biological or otherwise!
Namaste
Thanks, Param. Good point. Namaste
Beautiful! Because my mother was cold and distant all of my life (not judging; that is how she is and that is okay by me) I was never actually able to receive mothering or support from anybody. It was a skill I lacked because I had no teacher. I believe that receiving nurturing is a skill that we can all learn. We can be nurtured at any age. And the more we allow ourselves to receive unhindered support (with no strings attached) the more we are able to freely give it to others. And speaking as a mother who began learning to BE nurtured AFTER having children, and learning how to be a nurturer from the ground up, I can confidently say the reverse is possible. That by giving out more supportive nurturing to others (no strings attached, and not in a codependent way) the more naturally you can start to receive nurturing support from others. And it never needs to be from your mother. It can be from anyone you love who loves and supports you, no strings attached. It is a skill we can learn at any age. And when we realize it, we are definitely going to be free.
Yes! Thanks for sharing your experience, Caitlin.
love this, thank you peter
You’re so welcome!
I loved when you stated “it’s possible that you and your mom were brought together because of the potential for YOU to help HER.” That feels empowering, that it’s not all one-way love. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Deb. I’m glad you see that as an empowering perspective.
Be well.