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Once upon a time, I was finishing an intake with a new patient and I semi-jokingly asked her, “Is there anything else I should know before I stick needles in you?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I don’t have a second chakra. An intuitive healer told me so.” I was living in Portland and I remember thinking this exchange would have been perfect for a scene in Portlandia.
But she seemed genuinely concerned about it. Imagine where your mind might go if someone you trusted told you, “Everyone has a set of vital energy centers. They’re thought to be instrumental to your health, happiness, expression, and spiritual growth. And you’re missing one of them.”
I was reminded of this conversation when a friend told me of a similar experience last week. She had taken her daughter to get a massage, and at the end of the treatment the therapist stated that he had picked up important information about the girl which he felt compelled to share. According to his intuition, her daughter had some significant internal and developmental health issues. However, he didn’t quite know what they were or what could be done about them.
I’ve been on the receiving end of similar comments myself. I once visited a Chinese massage therapist to see if he could help my tension headaches. After working on my back and neck, he felt my pulse and gave me a grave look as he spoke the only five English words of our session: “Your lungs are very weak.”
Another time, I bumped into a woman at a party who looked familiar. It turned out she was a cashier at a little organic co-op where I often picked up a morning snack. She said, “Hey, you’re that afraid guy!”
“Excuse me?” I said, feeling very confused.
“A bunch of us watch you come into the store and you barely say anything,” she explained. “We talk about how you’re too terrified to speak. We’re like, ‘Here’s the fear guy’ when you come in. What are you so afraid of?” She looked well-meaning but smug. The idea that I didn’t make more small talk because I was full of fear felt completely off the mark to me.
I recall not hiding my displeasure well and I said something like, “I’m flattered that you’re all so concerned, but I think you’ve misread me.” However, I couldn’t help thinking, Am I unknowingly giving off some kind of fearful vibe? – just as I also fretted, Is there something wrong with my lungs? My friend had a similar reaction. Despite having always thought of her kid as healthy and robust, she’s now wondering if she should get her specialized medical testing. And the woman I mentioned at the beginning was worried about the problems that might result from lacking a second chakra.
I think it’s great for people to develop and utilize their intuition, but I also think it’s important to practice what Buddhists call right speech or sammā-vācā. The scriptures of Hinduism, Buddhism, and other religions include instructions on when and how to speak in a way that contributes positively. These instructions can be pretty well summed up by three succinct questions that were taught by Rev. James Haldane Stewart (1778-1854) to be asked of oneself before speaking: Is it true? It is kind? Is it necessary?1
If the practitioners and cashier mentioned above had sincerely asked themselves the first question before sharing, they may have concluded that they didn’t really know for certain that their hunches were true. And then, no one would have heard anything about a missing chakra or weak lungs.2 However, they might have responded, “Well, it feels true to me,” which brings us to the next questions.
Is it kind? There’s a bit of personal discretion in determining what’s kind. When the intuitive healer decided to tell the woman she had no second chakra, perhaps he thought, “This is kind because it will enable her to get the help she needs,” or, “This is kind because she can understand herself better with this information.” However, without providing any solution or direction, it wasn’t kind – and that goes for all the other cases above, too.
Finally, is it necessary? Does the other person need to know what we might say? One could argue that all sorts of harmful communications are necessary, but if we’re really honest with ourselves about this criterion, most are not.
Of the three questions, this one could be unnecessarily restrictive if we were to apply it robotically. Of course, it’s not necessary to deliver a compliment or to express one’s awe at the beauty of the snow, so this leads us to a fourth useful question (of unknown origin, but often attributed to Indian holy man Shirdi Sai Baba): Does it improve upon the silence? Again, it’s a matter of personal opinion, but if we were to consider before opening our mouth, “Is this likely to degrade or enhance the atmosphere?” it’s not too difficult to predict.
For people who are reasonably self-aware, there’s a single question that gets to the root of all four of the above. Before you say something that’s likely to have an impact on another: what is your purpose?
Is your purpose to help? To cause pain? To impress? To prove something? To provoke conflict? To connect? To love? I would guess that part of the purpose – if not the sole purpose – behind all the questionable communications discussed above was to appear magical or unusually insightful in order to gain power, respect, or approval.
I’ve focused on these cases because of how often I’ve encountered people who seem to believe that having a feeling about someone means their interpretation is true and must be shared. But of course, these aren’t the only kinds of communications that are made for less-than-noble purposes.
In looking at my own poor communications, I’ve realized that my most common offense is to crack jokes that aren’t funny or appropriate. My purpose has been mainly to generate warmth between me and the other person (usually my wife) or to bring lightness to the atmosphere. When I’ve failed at this purpose, it’s often been because I was actually serving a secret, ulterior purpose: to make myself feel comfortable. When I’m committed to a purpose of fostering warmth and lightness, it goes differently. There may still be jokes – eventually – but I have to begin with a willingness to be totally present for the other person – even if it’s uncomfortable.
I encourage you to try this over the coming week:
- Bring more attention to the things you say to others. Just notice your words and the energy behind them.
- Try to perceive the impact your words have. These first two steps can teach you SO much.
- See if you can pause before you speak – even if just for one second. In this space there’s a moment to align yourself – a moment to make sure the words match your true intention. You could ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” or the simpler “What is my purpose?” But even if you forget to do this, try to still practice step 2 – perceive the impact of your words. If it’s not a favorable impact, you can still ask yourself if your words were true, kind, and necessary, and you can retrospectively figure out what purpose you were serving by speaking as you did.
If you’re on the receiving end of a communication that feels unproductive (or worse), you can try asking, “What’s your purpose?” Not everyone can receive that question and give you a heartfelt response, but it can serve as an opening to a more authentic exchange (which should also include being responsible for your own feelings and interpretations).
As I tried to express earlier in this article, sometimes we can allow others’ perceptions of us to affect us even if they have no qualifications and even if we don’t really care what they think. A simple statement like, “Are you feeling run down?” or “You seem to be carrying around a lot of anger,” can get your mind spinning and cause you to feel something’s wrong.
Remind yourself that people project their feelings on each other all the time and people are simply wrong a lot. If someone is intuitive enough to pick up something really important, hopefully they’re also intuitive enough to recognize how it would affect you to tell you this information.
Finally, when someone tells you something about yourself, it’s useful to run it through your own intuition. Does it feel true to you? If you have trouble accessing your intuition, I recommend you join my wife’s group, Love Rising. She helps people develop this faculty.
In this age of “fake news,” social media, and presidential communications being made via Twitter, it’s more vital than ever that we practice discernment with what’s coming in and we become clear about our intentions before we speak.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
_____________
- These three questions have also been (probably erroneously) attributed to Rumi, Buddha, Socrates, Shirdi Sai Baba, and others – though this attribution is apparently because these teachers all had similar things to say about right speech. I haven’t been able to find proof that anyone but Stewart asked these questions in these exact words.
2. The question Is it true? can be asked on different levels. In an absolute sense, it could be argued that it’s impossible to know anything objective for certain (see The Work of Byron Katie, John Locke, etc.). This would cause one to always answer “no” to the question of truth, and to hence refrain from ever speaking again. I believe Stewart meant it in an everyday way – i.e., would most reasonable and kind people agree that it’s true? – and I think that’s sufficient for most cases.
[post_title] => Like Medicine or Bullets: Our Words
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Lots of people are anxious about this illness – and the impact of mass hysteria – so I want to share some rational advice on what you can do to stay well in both body and mind, including some specific supplements that may help. I’ll also explain what we’re doing at our spas to make them a safe place for you and our employees.
It is our mission to create a more peaceful world through more peaceful individuals. In order to give you and our staff the best chance at peace of mind, we will be temporarily closing the Spa until further notice. We will be monitoring COVID-19 the situation closely and plan on reassessing each day with plans on reopening as soon as possible.
We invite you to join us on our Facebook group, Dragontree Community and Conversations. There, you will find community, connection, and on-going wisdom from our Founders, Dr. Peter and Briana Borten.
You can find our online community here: thedragontree.com/community
Here is a replay of our Facebook Live where we share more details on each of these points for our community.
[embed]https://www.facebook.com/TheDragontree/videos/211888856841144/[/embed]
Here are my top recommendations for staying peaceful and healthy:
- Keep Breathing. Any time you feel stressed, bring your attention back to your breath. The breath is a built-in mindfulness tool. You watch your breath come in and go out and instantly you’re in the present – rather than letting your mind run away with you. Besides simply bringing your attention to your breath throughout the day, you can also practice making your exhale very long, and as you breathe out, imagine you’re releasing tension and fear. The Vietnamese monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh, has written that many of his fellow monks lived through atrocities during the Vietnam War, but were able to maintain their sanity and inner peace through Buddhist mindfulness practices. Another reason to practice breathing is to keep your lungs strong and resilient. All day long we fall into the habit of shallow breathing. Our lungs have a capacity of about 6 liters of air, but we usually take breaths of only half a liter in size! Imagine as you inhale that you’re filling up the bowl of your pelvis, that your breath goes so deep that you can feel your hips expanding from the inside as your belly expands.
- Avoid Lung Pollutants. If you’re interested in healthy lungs, it’s a good time to stop smoking, wear a mask while doing sanding or painting or other dusty activities, and quit toxic air fresheners and cleaners. It has been theorized that the high mortality rate in China is due in part to air pollution and smoking.
- Maintain Healthy Digestion. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), the digestive system is considered to support the respiratory system (in TCM terminology, “Earth is the mother of Metal”). It’s why we find that so many kids with asthma and allergies have digestive problems, and why so many food sensitivities cause respiratory symptoms. In biomedicine, there’s a growing understanding that the lining - or epithelium - of the digestive tract, especially the intestines, has a relationship with other epithelial tissues - like the lining of the lungs. A healthy digestive tract goes hand-in-hand with healthy lungs. For this reason it’s always a good idea to follow good nutritional practices (if you don’t know what these are, check out my online course, How to Eat), including frequent consumption of fermented foods like sauerkraut and/or occasionally taking probiotics.
- Exercise. Exercise tones virtually all systems of the body, including the respiratory tract and the immune system. I recommend getting exercise of an intensity that makes your breathing labored, and ideally not doing it in frigid or polluted air. Just don’t overdo it - ideally, you’re exercising enough to build energy, not exhaust yourself.
- Avoid Sugar. Eat Nutrient Dense Foods. Sugar can increase inflammation and suppress immune function. Besides, it’s just empty calories. Many times I’ve had patients tell me about how an infection worsened dramatically after they ate a big dessert. Instead, why not make this an opportunity to eat super nourishing foods?
- Wash Your Hands and Don’t Touch Your Face. You know this, of course. Just make a rule with yourself that you don’t touch your face unless you’ve just washed your hands. And you don’t need hand sanitizer - soap and water work better. Be sure to get under your nails. Also, if you’re finding - like me - that your hands are getting dry and irritated from all this hand washing (!!) use lotion. We happen to make some that you might like.
- Get Enough Sleep. Nothing supports the immune system like a good night’s sleep. If we could all go to bed at the first inkling of sickness, much of the time we wouldn’t even get sick.
- Keep Playing and Connecting. Play has a singular value in reminding us how to be lighthearted. Even in the midst of hoarding and hysteria, we must take time to play and to connect with our loved ones and the natural world. It grounds us. It pacifies our hearts. It gives us perspective. Even if we can’t touch, we can still be connected.
- Take Supportive Nutrients and Herbs. Authorities discourage saying that anything helps the coronavirus, but there are a number of supplements that I trust as immune enhancers. I take them myself, I recommend them to my patients, and I give them to my family. I can’t promise that it will prevent or mitigate the coronavirus, but you can do your own research and decide for yourself.
- Selenium. Adequate dietary selenium helps us fight RNA viruses like COVID-19, but many parts of the country have minimal selenium in the soil, leading to crops with minimal selenium. That said, unless you’re eating everything from local farms, the selenium status of soils in your area might not say much about your selenium status. You can get selenium capsules in the form of selenomethionine. 200 micrograms a day is plenty (half that is probably enough for most people). A single Brazil nut contains about 75 micrograms of selenium, so you could also skip the pill and eat just two nuts a day.
- Jade Wind Screen. This Chinese herbal formula was first recorded in a text in 1481, so it’s been in use for 539 years. The name comes from the idea that it is a screen against “wind” - i.e., airborne pathogens. It’s intended to simultaneously strengthen the lungs and digestive system while simultaneously promoting the circulation of “defensive Qi” (superficial immune cells), and it is generally taken as a preventive supplement rather than as a treatment for sickness. TCM physicians in Wuhan have had considerable success in treating patients with COVID-19 with herbal formulas. They have developed protocols for each stage of the illness and a modified version of this formula is their basic “preventative” formula. You can find Jade Wind Screen in liquid or pill form through numerous companies. I am in the process of making a large batch of the formula as a tincture, with my own additions based roughly on the Wuhan variation. We will have it available for sale soon (at our usual tincture prices). We can’t claim that it cures or prevents COVID-19, but I have my whole family taking it, and it means something to me that TCM has a millennia-long history of treating epidemic diseases.
- Vitamin D. Blood levels of vitamin D are directly correlated with immune function, and deficiency is common, especially in the winter. I recommend - with or without the threat of coronavirus - that people take at least 35 units of vitamin D per pound of body weight per day (e.g., a 100-pound person can take 3500 IU’s of vitamin D a day).
- Vitamin C. Besides its ability to enhance immune function, vitamin C may help prevent the progression of lung infections to pneumonia and may also help to clear fluid from the lungs in active pneumonia. If you get sick, I believe vitamin C works best for infections when consumed almost to “bowel tolerance” - that is, just below the quantity that causes diarrhea. Any vitamin C is fine, but I particularly like the “liposomal” or fat-bound forms of vitamin C - they seem to be more active and have less effect on digestion.
- Vitamin A. Vitamin A enhances immune function also. I usually take a high dose of 100,000 to 200,000 units per day for the first few days of an infection and often that stops it in its tracks. Because there are reports of liver toxicity with very high doses of vitamin A for prolonged periods, I generally don’t recommend using these kinds of doses for more than a week. If you have liver problems, you should skip it. Also, large amounts of vitamin A are a bad idea for pregnant women – it can cause birth defects. (Beta carotene, which is converted by the body to vitamin A as needed, is safe for pregnant women.)
- Rhodiola. Rhodiola rosea is a mountainous herb with adaptogenic and calming properties. Taken over time, it improves our ability to adapt to stresses of all kinds. It reduces fatigue and builds resilience.
- Mushrooms. Virtually all mushrooms help improve immune function. Some of my favorites are ganoderma (reishi), maitake (grifola), agaricus blazeii, chaga, and cordyceps. Many companies now make mushroom extracts for immune support. I like Host Defense because their founder, Paul Stamets, is an expert and pioneer in the world of medicinal mushrooms.
- Sang Ju Yin. This TCM formula (also known as Mulberry Leaf and Chrysanthemum Decoction) is used by Wuhan doctors for the very earliest stage of infection - especially when there’s a dry cough, fever, and maybe a sore throat. It’s available from many companies in liquid and pill form. If you can’t procure any, a practitioner of Chinese Medicine may be able to make you some. Otherwise, our Cold & Flu Formula is a reasonable substitute.
- Lactoferrin. Lactoferrin is a protein that occurs naturally in the human body, especially in human milk (particularly the first milk, known as colostrum), saliva, tears, and other fluids. It can also be extracted from cow’s milk. It’s a powerful component of our immune system, exhibiting anti-viral, anti-fungal, and anti-bacterial activity. It’s specifically been shown to help prevent viruses like COVID-19 from entering our cells.
- If You Feel Sick, Act Fast. Whether it’s one of the supplements above or something else, have it with you at all times so that you can take it at the very first feeling that you’re unwell. Then take a nap and when you wake up, take some more! This ensures the best chance of effectiveness. Meanwhile, do the right thing and stay home until you know you’re well.
- Meditate. Meditation has a unique value in times of turmoil. It opens up space in our consciousness which helps us to not be run by our minds. We see that we’re not our thoughts, and further, that we don’t even need to believe our thoughts. We receive insights. We reset our nervous system. And we reconnect with a Self that’s more authentic, more consistent, more honest, more loving and ever-present than the unbalanced ego we’ve been giving all our attention. Meditation is the antidote to hysteria. (If you feel you need additional mood support, you might benefit from our Anxiety Herbal Formula and check out this Anxiety White Paper I wrote.)
Finally, let’s all Stay Rational. People are often talking about fatality rates of COVID-19 rather than survival rates. And for most healthy adults, your chances of surviving an infection with this virus is 99% or better. Raging and freaking out won’t help, and may even compound the stress on your system. (Forgive yourself.) Keep looking for the silver linings. Stay in touch with your community. This too shall pass!
Love,
Dr. Peter Borten
[1] How COVID-19 (2019-nCoV) is Currently Treated in China with TCM
[2] Vitamin C may affect lung infections
[post_title] => 11 ways to create peace in the time of coronavirus
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I was jogging on the mesa behind our house and my thoughts went to the upcoming holidays and my cycles of introversion and extroversion. For me, social gatherings inevitably spur a yearning to be alone or look at my phone or eat. As I gazed at the peaks and valleys of the mountain range in front of me, I realized that this pattern is an expression of the cycling of yin and yang that’s present everywhere in the universe. I’d like to share my thoughts with you in the hope that it will make for a more balanced holiday season.
In social behavior, this cycle moved from an outward orientation (yang) to an inward orientation (yin) and back. Texting, talking, dancing with others, partying, and co-working are all relatively outward activities. Reading the news, playing a video game (alone), taking a bath, eating, and meditating are all relatively inward activities. After some outward activity, most people feel a desire to go inward. After some inward activity, most people feel a desire to go outward.
We see this cycle from inward to outward to inward to outward, or from expansion to contraction to expansion to contraction, throughout the human body (breathing and the beating of the heart), human behavior, and the natural world. This undulating pattern is seen in the waves of our oceans, in waves of sound and light, in the movement of sexual intercourse, in waking and sleeping, and so much more.
When our inward-outward social patterns are relatively balanced, it works. But if there’s a compulsion to go inward and stay there, to always be gazing at a screen, to be in our bubble, or to eat on autopilot, it’s worth looking at. The same is true for someone who is always socially-engaged and feels uncomfortable going inward or being alone. People can become stagnant in one phase or the other. So I propose we use the holidays as an opportunity for a social experiment and personal growth. I believe both inward and outward activities can be either shallow or deep, and going deep gets us out of stagnation by fulfilling us and moving the cycle along.
Here’s a graphical representation of the inward-outward cycle. I labeled something like 70% of the range of both inward and outward activities as “shallow.” This doesn’t mean they’re frivolous, just that they aren’t soul-nourishing in a way that moves the cycle forward. If we make small talk with our coworkers, then play Candy Crush, then send some emails, then eat lunch while browsing a magazine, and so on throughout the day, this curve would look much flatter – we’re moving from shallow external activity to shallow internal activity and never approaching the “peaks.”
It’s hard to be black-and-white in defining what’s shallow and what’s deep, and what’s outward versus what’s inward – but it’s something we can feel. I called eating an inward activity, but of course there could simultaneously be an outward element of social interaction. Coworking could be very outward or somewhat inward, depending on whether it’s very collaborative and verbal or just a bunch of people introverting near each other. Reading about celebrities is what I’d call a “shallow inward” activity. Talking about celebrities is what I’d call a “shallow outward” activity. Meditation is usually a “deep inward” activity. And having sex – or more specifically, connected love-making – is usually a “deep outward” activity.
Thus, in both inward and outward activities, there’s an opportunity to go to a certain depth where the orientation becomes both internal and external. So, while meditation is an inward activity, when you really go deep with it, there can be an expansiveness, a transcendence of your small self, a sense of connection with everything – and therefore an outward orientation. Similarly, while traveling is mostly an outward activity, when we witness the vastness of nature or the beauty of other cultures or the oneness we all share, the profundity of such an expansive moment can turn us inward. We come into our hearts and are silenced and grateful.
I created a more descriptive diagram of what’s going on. This sphere with a hole through the center, kind of a donut shape, is known as a torus. When dealing with energy, it’s called a toroidal field. Humans have toroidal fields of energy that move in both directions. That is, the energy can move up from the center, then outward, down, and up through the bottom. And it can also move down through the center, then outward, up, and down through the top. What I mean to depict here is that when we go deep, we go through whatever state we’re in and move toward the opposing state. When we go outward and deep, this fulfills our urge to extrovert and takes us inward. When we go inward and deep, this fulfills our urge to introvert and takes us outward. Yin becomes Yang and Yang becomes Yin.
What does this all mean in practical terms? There’s nothing wrong with being introverted or extroverted, and nothing wrong with shallower activities, but if you find yourself getting stuck in either phase, or having difficulty with either phase, try going deeper. As a general guide, bringing your full presence to whatever you’re doing will take you deeper.
In an outward-oriented setting, like a Thanksgiving social gathering, how can you get more real? Can you ask what challenges your friends are facing and be totally present for them? Can you connect more deeply than a conversation about turkey or the weather? Can you share what’s alive for you right now? Can you finally be who you really are around your family? When you’re with people can you be 100% with them? If you find yourself in a game of touch football, can you lose yourself in the spirit of play?
How can you make your introverted periods really count? If you sneak off to the bathroom to play on your phone, can you put it down for a minute and really go inward? Can you feel and acknowledge and accept what’s coming up for you? Can you invite the feelings and take the time and presence to see where they lead you? Can you hear your inner child, meet it with your mature inner adult, and give it what it needs to be at ease – so you can return to the party in a lighthearted way? Can you remember to prioritize meditation and other forms of deliberate stillness throughout the busyness of the holidays?
What happens to your phases of introversion and extroversion when you intentionally go deep in both directions? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments section below.
With love,
Peter
[post_title] => Go Deep for the Holidays
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Once upon a time, I was finishing an intake with a new patient and I semi-jokingly asked her, “Is there anything else I should know before I stick needles in you?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I don’t have a second chakra. An intuitive healer told me so.” I was living in Portland and I remember thinking this exchange would have been perfect for a scene in Portlandia.
But she seemed genuinely concerned about it. Imagine where your mind might go if someone you trusted told you, “Everyone has a set of vital energy centers. They’re thought to be instrumental to your health, happiness, expression, and spiritual growth. And you’re missing one of them.”
I was reminded of this conversation when a friend told me of a similar experience last week. She had taken her daughter to get a massage, and at the end of the treatment the therapist stated that he had picked up important information about the girl which he felt compelled to share. According to his intuition, her daughter had some significant internal and developmental health issues. However, he didn’t quite know what they were or what could be done about them.
I’ve been on the receiving end of similar comments myself. I once visited a Chinese massage therapist to see if he could help my tension headaches. After working on my back and neck, he felt my pulse and gave me a grave look as he spoke the only five English words of our session: “Your lungs are very weak.”
Another time, I bumped into a woman at a party who looked familiar. It turned out she was a cashier at a little organic co-op where I often picked up a morning snack. She said, “Hey, you’re that afraid guy!”
“Excuse me?” I said, feeling very confused.
“A bunch of us watch you come into the store and you barely say anything,” she explained. “We talk about how you’re too terrified to speak. We’re like, ‘Here’s the fear guy’ when you come in. What are you so afraid of?” She looked well-meaning but smug. The idea that I didn’t make more small talk because I was full of fear felt completely off the mark to me.
I recall not hiding my displeasure well and I said something like, “I’m flattered that you’re all so concerned, but I think you’ve misread me.” However, I couldn’t help thinking, Am I unknowingly giving off some kind of fearful vibe? – just as I also fretted, Is there something wrong with my lungs? My friend had a similar reaction. Despite having always thought of her kid as healthy and robust, she’s now wondering if she should get her specialized medical testing. And the woman I mentioned at the beginning was worried about the problems that might result from lacking a second chakra.
I think it’s great for people to develop and utilize their intuition, but I also think it’s important to practice what Buddhists call right speech or sammā-vācā. The scriptures of Hinduism, Buddhism, and other religions include instructions on when and how to speak in a way that contributes positively. These instructions can be pretty well summed up by three succinct questions that were taught by Rev. James Haldane Stewart (1778-1854) to be asked of oneself before speaking: Is it true? It is kind? Is it necessary?1
If the practitioners and cashier mentioned above had sincerely asked themselves the first question before sharing, they may have concluded that they didn’t really know for certain that their hunches were true. And then, no one would have heard anything about a missing chakra or weak lungs.2 However, they might have responded, “Well, it feels true to me,” which brings us to the next questions.
Is it kind? There’s a bit of personal discretion in determining what’s kind. When the intuitive healer decided to tell the woman she had no second chakra, perhaps he thought, “This is kind because it will enable her to get the help she needs,” or, “This is kind because she can understand herself better with this information.” However, without providing any solution or direction, it wasn’t kind – and that goes for all the other cases above, too.
Finally, is it necessary? Does the other person need to know what we might say? One could argue that all sorts of harmful communications are necessary, but if we’re really honest with ourselves about this criterion, most are not.
Of the three questions, this one could be unnecessarily restrictive if we were to apply it robotically. Of course, it’s not necessary to deliver a compliment or to express one’s awe at the beauty of the snow, so this leads us to a fourth useful question (of unknown origin, but often attributed to Indian holy man Shirdi Sai Baba): Does it improve upon the silence? Again, it’s a matter of personal opinion, but if we were to consider before opening our mouth, “Is this likely to degrade or enhance the atmosphere?” it’s not too difficult to predict.
For people who are reasonably self-aware, there’s a single question that gets to the root of all four of the above. Before you say something that’s likely to have an impact on another: what is your purpose?
Is your purpose to help? To cause pain? To impress? To prove something? To provoke conflict? To connect? To love? I would guess that part of the purpose – if not the sole purpose – behind all the questionable communications discussed above was to appear magical or unusually insightful in order to gain power, respect, or approval.
I’ve focused on these cases because of how often I’ve encountered people who seem to believe that having a feeling about someone means their interpretation is true and must be shared. But of course, these aren’t the only kinds of communications that are made for less-than-noble purposes.
In looking at my own poor communications, I’ve realized that my most common offense is to crack jokes that aren’t funny or appropriate. My purpose has been mainly to generate warmth between me and the other person (usually my wife) or to bring lightness to the atmosphere. When I’ve failed at this purpose, it’s often been because I was actually serving a secret, ulterior purpose: to make myself feel comfortable. When I’m committed to a purpose of fostering warmth and lightness, it goes differently. There may still be jokes – eventually – but I have to begin with a willingness to be totally present for the other person – even if it’s uncomfortable.
I encourage you to try this over the coming week:
- Bring more attention to the things you say to others. Just notice your words and the energy behind them.
- Try to perceive the impact your words have. These first two steps can teach you SO much.
- See if you can pause before you speak – even if just for one second. In this space there’s a moment to align yourself – a moment to make sure the words match your true intention. You could ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” or the simpler “What is my purpose?” But even if you forget to do this, try to still practice step 2 – perceive the impact of your words. If it’s not a favorable impact, you can still ask yourself if your words were true, kind, and necessary, and you can retrospectively figure out what purpose you were serving by speaking as you did.
If you’re on the receiving end of a communication that feels unproductive (or worse), you can try asking, “What’s your purpose?” Not everyone can receive that question and give you a heartfelt response, but it can serve as an opening to a more authentic exchange (which should also include being responsible for your own feelings and interpretations).
As I tried to express earlier in this article, sometimes we can allow others’ perceptions of us to affect us even if they have no qualifications and even if we don’t really care what they think. A simple statement like, “Are you feeling run down?” or “You seem to be carrying around a lot of anger,” can get your mind spinning and cause you to feel something’s wrong.
Remind yourself that people project their feelings on each other all the time and people are simply wrong a lot. If someone is intuitive enough to pick up something really important, hopefully they’re also intuitive enough to recognize how it would affect you to tell you this information.
Finally, when someone tells you something about yourself, it’s useful to run it through your own intuition. Does it feel true to you? If you have trouble accessing your intuition, I recommend you join my wife’s group, Love Rising. She helps people develop this faculty.
In this age of “fake news,” social media, and presidential communications being made via Twitter, it’s more vital than ever that we practice discernment with what’s coming in and we become clear about our intentions before we speak.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
_____________
- These three questions have also been (probably erroneously) attributed to Rumi, Buddha, Socrates, Shirdi Sai Baba, and others – though this attribution is apparently because these teachers all had similar things to say about right speech. I haven’t been able to find proof that anyone but Stewart asked these questions in these exact words.
2. The question Is it true? can be asked on different levels. In an absolute sense, it could be argued that it’s impossible to know anything objective for certain (see The Work of Byron Katie, John Locke, etc.). This would cause one to always answer “no” to the question of truth, and to hence refrain from ever speaking again. I believe Stewart meant it in an everyday way – i.e., would most reasonable and kind people agree that it’s true? – and I think that’s sufficient for most cases.
[post_title] => Like Medicine or Bullets: Our Words
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